The passenger noticed by the license that his cab driver's name was "Winston Churchill." Trying to make conversation, he said, "I see your name is Winston Churchill." The driver simply said, "Yep. That's my name." The passenger, not willing to give up yet on some banter said, "That's a pretty famous name." The driver responded with: "As well it should be too. I've been driving a cab here for over forty years." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but the following call to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Lawyer Jokes Q - Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A - To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service! Q - What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A - A tick falls off you when you die! Q - What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? A - There are skid marks in front of the dog! Q - What do lawyers and sperm have in common? A - One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human. Q - What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? A - Lipstick! Q - Why has there never been a reported case of a shark biting a lawyer? A - Professional courtesy! <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> While I was browsing in the dress section of a department store, another shopper struck up a conversation with me. "My daughter is getting married soon," she told me, eyes glowing. "She's engaged to a doctor." After the woman left for the dressing room, the bride-to-be approached and apologized for her mother's interruption. "Oh, it was no bother," I replied. "She told me how happy she was that your fiancee is a doctor." "Yes," she said with a sigh. "But mother always neglects to tell people I'm a doctor also." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of the 747. A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of the dampness asked the attendant, "Has it been raining?" Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes, but we put the top up." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> 10 RULES FOR GOOD HOUSEKEEPING 1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside. 2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy. 3. Never make fried chicken in the nude. 4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner. 5. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. 6. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger. 7. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. 10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night. "My grandfather lived to be 96." "Ninety-six? What finally got him? "Liquor and women." "Well, that just goes to show ya," snickered the one guy, "both will get you in the end." "Well actually, no, it's not what ya think. Towards the end, Grandpa couldn't get either one, so he just laid down and died." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> When my sister's husband died, she went to the bank to put his affairs in order. The young clerk looked up their joint account and then asked, "Which of you is deceased?" <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway". An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail. He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach- I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address. He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@7:30 P.M.'" <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> New to town, I was eager to meet people and make friends. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one." After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, "And that's my husband - the fat one." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> At New York's Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> A drop in the birth rate in Singapore has prompted the government to take drastic measures, including tax rebates for more children. Tax rebates for having sex. Now, that sounds like a compromise plan between the Clinton and Bush administrations. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> "Congratulations to Gwyneth Paltrow who gave birth to a baby girl named Apple. Gwyneth says looking forward to having another daughter so she can have a "pear"." --Jay Leno <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> "Scientists say the movie isn't realistic because the ice age happens so quickly. But you know, it's not a documentary - I only have two hours." -- ROLAND EMMERICH, director of "The Day After Tomorrow," in which New York gets frozen over, quoted in the New York Daily News. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> "I've found that luck is quite predictable. If you want more luck, take more chances. Be more active. Show up more often." -- Brian Tracy <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> "One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important." --Bertrand Russell