The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Language shapes how people perceive themselves, others, and the world at large. Using positive words and language with your mate makes them feel special and builds connections for a strong and healthy relationship. Here are 10 positive phrases the build up your mate. Over the next few weeks look for situations where you can use them and try to work them into your conversation. You may get some resistance at first, ask your mate not to respond in any way other than saying Thank You and accepting your sincere and honest compliment. (1) Good job! (2) You look terrific. (3) I think you're special. (4) I'm impressed by how you handled that situation. (5) I believe in you. (6) You matter to me. (7) You make a positive difference in my life. (8) You do that really well. (9) Thank you for your help. (10) I'm proud of you. (11) You make me happy. Be more romantic, show your love with the words you use and yours will be a language of love. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better. Her title: 'Nun of Your Business.' +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ [ACTUAL LETTERS SENT TO LANDLORDS] 1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared." 2. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant." 3. "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my nob off." 4. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door." 5. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall." 6. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces." 7. "When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply. "But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?" "Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ When a man takes off his pants in a hotel room, what's the first thing to hang out? The DO NOT DISTURB sign! [Did you think otherwise? You are evil!] +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. The! refore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all He! ll breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A " [Thanks to Katie] +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: How do geologists like their scotch? A: On the rocks. Q. What animal should you never play cards with? A. A cheetah. Q. What shellfish lifts weights? A. Mussels. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ There's a church-sponsored basketball league in the Atlanta area that makes awards to players at the end of every game. Young players will get awards for best defense, best offense, best sportsmanship, and an award for being the most "Christ-like." I asked a mother how a player would qualify for that award. "It's easy," she said. "If the crowd moans 'Oh, Jesus!' every time one particular player missed the ball, he gets the award." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Joe says to Bill, "Want to see a picture of my Aunt?" "Sure." So Joe takes out a picture. "What are you talking about?" Bill says, "That's not your aunt! That's a picture of a fish!" Joe responds, "Well, sure it is... It's my aunt Chovy!" +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Learning new computer skills can be a challenge. An office manager in my software training class, taking nothing for granted, jotted down every word I said. During a break I peeked over his shoulder and read what he'd written... "New Computer Training--password is first name. Mine is 'Bob'." [Thanks to Reader's Digest.] +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I rode home with a co-worker a few days ago and I asked her to wait for me while I used the ATM machine. She asked if I trusted "those people". "People WHO?" I asked. She said, "The ATM people! You know how the ATM operates by having a person inside the box. Every time you put in your card, he takes it, looks at it, and checks his paper files and folders for your account number. Here he can find your PIN and check the balance. This person then asks you to ENTER your PIN, cross checks it, and if all matches, you can proceed. If not, he keeps your card. "If you ask for a statement, he types it from his books and you get the printout. If you ask for a withdrawal, he checks the balance and any restrictions, and if all is ok, gives you the amount. He then calls all of the other branches and ATMs, tells them how much you've with- drawn, so they can update THEIR books." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The minister's car wouldn't start and so he called the garage to come and tow it in for repairs. When the truck driver appeared at his house to get the car, the minister says, "I hope you go easy on me. You know I'm only a poor preacher." "I know," replied the tow truck driver... "I've heard you preach." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ [[ Music Quotes ]] "It's easy to play any musical instrument: all you have to do is touch the right key at the right time and the instrument will play itself." -- J.S. Bach "Music melts all the separate parts of our bodies together." -- Anais Nin "I bought an audio cleaning tape. I'm a big fan of theirs." -- Kevin Gildea. "My personal hobbies are reading, listening to music, and silence." -- Edith Sitwell "Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings." -- Ed Gardner. "If a composer could say what he had to say in words he would not bother trying to say it in music." -- Gustav Mahler "I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down.'" -- Bob Newhart "The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer." --Victor Borge "Talking about music is like dancing about architecture." --Steve Martin "Without music, life would be a mistake." -- Friedrich Nietzsche