Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it." So she drove the boat to shore. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes." ----------------------------------------------------------- A lawyer walks into his client's death row cell and says, "I've got good news, and bad news for you.. " The prisoner says. " Okay. What's the bad news? " "The bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of your execution...you go to the chair at 7 PM tonight." "Oh, that's horrible. What possibly could be the good news?" "The good news is that I got your voltage reduced!" ----------------------------------------------------------- You know how in first grade they used fruits to explain stuff like "one banana plus two bananas make three bananas"? Here's a list of high school math courses based on bananas: ----- Algebra I - A You have a negative banana (possibly made of antimatter). Add two bananas to it and you get one banana. Algebra I - B You have a banana. Factor it, or solve for apples using the quadratic formula. Algebra II You have an imaginary banana. Square it, and you get one of those weird anti-matter bananas. The student learns that their dreams will become reality if they only raise them to the fourth power. Geometry Prove : Bananas are not vegetables. Given : Bananas are fruits. Pre-Calculus What is the cosecant of Pi over 2 bananas in a unit apple? Calculus AB The student learns to find the slope of a banana. Calculus BC The student learns to find the slope of a banana and also to find the area under the banana. ----------------------------------------------------------- Sargeant: "Did you give the prisoner the third degree?" Officer: "Yeah, we browbeat him, asking every question we could." Sargeant: "And did you get a confession?" Officer: "Not exactly. All he said was, 'Yes Dear,' and dozed off." ----------------------------------------------------------- Classic Riddles 1. The person who made it has no use for it; the person who bought it did not want it; and the one who finally ended up with it never even knew about it. 2. It is greater than God. More evil than the Devil. Poor people have it. Rich people need it. And if you eat it, you die. <> ----------------------------------------------------------- << Why English Teachers Retire Early >> Extracts from High School Essays in which students were asked to use analogies and metaphors. 1. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 2. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. 3. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 4. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated Because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 17. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 18. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do. 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 22. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. ----------------------------------------------------------- At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels. A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets in. When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Gramma, could I have a quarter?" ----------------------------------------------------------- A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly." ----------------------------------------------------------- Vacationing in Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at a small motel outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked the woman at the desk for directions to Churchill Downs. Not able to tell us, she called her husband from the back room. "Churchill Downs?" he asked. "That's the race-track, isn't it?" We nodded. He hesitated and then said, "I'm pretty sure it's somewhere south of the university. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be much help." At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over his shoulder to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked at us, leaned over the counter and whispered, "Take Third Street through town, go past the university and turn right on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the twin spires. You can't miss 'em!" ----------------------------------------------------------- My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los Angeles Dodgers one night. Our seats were right behind the third-base line. At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball. Miraculously, I managed to catch it on the fly. As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turns to me and says... "That was nice! How many of those do you get a game?" ----------------------------------------------------------- When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive................... so I took her to a gas station!!!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------- A peculiar posting appeared one day on the company bulletin board. It read: Used tombstone for sale. Ideal for Person Named "Murphy." ----------------------------------------------------------- Classic Riddles - Answers 1. Coffin 2. Nothing ----------------------------------------------------------- [[Quoteland]] "I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it." -- Jack Handey "My girlfriend and I are talking about getting married. She keeps asking me if I can support her, but she knows I can...she's always on my back." --Scott Wood "My mom is very possessive. She calls me up and says things like, 'You weren't home last night. Is something gong on?' I say, 'Yeah Mom, I'm cheating on you with another mother.'" --Heidi Joyce "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family" -- Ex Texas Governor George W. Bush "Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry." --Bill Cosby "Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?" -- Rita Rudner "According to a study, they found common words used by happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used by other people to describe happy people: Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..." --Jay Leno "It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor." -- Max Eastman