A building contractor was being paid by the week. One day he approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said. "I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained." The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention." <:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:> One Sunday morning, the pastor got up and was looking through the paper, reading the death notices, and lo and behold his name was listed. He thought, "I wonder if the deacons have seen it?" He got on the phone and called one of the deacons and said, "Have you read the morning paper yet?" He said, "Yes, sir." The pastor said, "Did you see my name in the death notices?" He said, "Yes, I did. (Silence) Preacher, where are you calling from?" <:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:> It was graduation day and mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. "I want a good picture, so try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder." The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?" <:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:> The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter. One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards. "Turn over, Judi," whispered the girl lying beside her. "This is a stick-up, not an office party! <:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:> My three-month-old daughter was sleeping in her stroller while we visited the park. A little boy about three years old came up and asked me, "Is that your baby?" "Yes," I answered. "What's her name?" "Amy," I told her. "Can she walk?" "No, she's much too young." "Can she crawl?" "No, not yet." The little boy looked confused. "Then what did you bring her here for?" <:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:> Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their Anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo. WHAT!!!! You expected something educational from me??!!! <:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:> Sex is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. <:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:> While I was shopping in the mall with my three children, a display in the window of a lingerie store caught my eye. "Do you think Daddy would like this?" I asked the kids, as I pointed to a lacy teddy with matching robe. "No way," my horrified six-year-old son replied. "Daddy would NEVER wear THAT!" <:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:> 25 signs you've grown up 1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up." 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14 days. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time McDonald closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Pizza Hut leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You take naps. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going." to drink that much again!" 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh S*$# what the hell happened?" Bonus: 26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same <:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:> Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Bubba. Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia." <:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:> After watching the latest pronouncement from the Oval Office, it occurred to me that President George W. Bush has become the spiritual leader of a large part of the United States-- whenever he appears in public and starts to say something, millions of Republicans begin to pray. <:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:> My wife left me... I don't understand. After our last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses; I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up, but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!" <:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:> What Country Is This? 1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in. Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not allowed in. 2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and availability will be limited. Ocean front property cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively for citizens born in the country. 3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to any public office. 4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government assistance. 5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government, policies or president. 6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign country. 7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh? Well, these are laws that are currently part of the Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, Mexico! <:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:> Two truck drivers arrive in front of a tunnel. The sign says MAXIMUM HEIGHT 3 METERS. The first driver measures his truck and says, "Damn...3.2 meters!" The second one looks furtively around and says, "No police, anywhere. We can go!" <:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:> Judge: Please identify yourself for the record. Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson. Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for? Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name, not a damn thing. <:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:> Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill fxcking Gates! ----------------------------------------- Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Male Customer: Your left or my left? ----------------------------------------- Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... <:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:> A man came into a gun shop and asked to see a shotgun. The clerk, seeing that the customer was well-dressed and probably had a well-padded pocketbook, showed him a Belgian handcrafted mother of pearl inlay weapon and demonstrated its fine points. A bargain at $12,000. The customer says, "No, not quite what I need." Then the clerk brings out an English model and shows off its fine points. A steal at only $7,500. The customer says, "No, I don't need anything that fancy." The clerk, disappointed, shows the customer a Winchester 'over and under' mass production model. Only $199.95. The customer says, "That will do nicely. After all, it's an informal wedding." <:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:> He was 80, she was 20. It was the talk of the town when they got married. A year later she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse who congratulated the old geezer said, "You are amazing! How do you do it at your age?" "You got to keep that old motor running," he said with pride. The following year the young bride gave birth again. "Wow," says the nurse. "You certainly are quite the man. How do you keep doing it?" Same answer, "Just got to keep the old motor running." A year later, along comes baby number three. The nurse remarks, "Still got that old motor running, eh?" "Sure do," he says. The nurse tells him, "Well, you better change your oil. This one's black!!" <:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:> [[[ Quotations of Language & Word ]]] "I do not mind what language an opera is sung in, so long as it is in an language I do not understand." -- Edward Appleton "If the Romans had been obliged to learn Latin they would never have found time to conquer the world." -- Heinrich Heine "If you wish to know the mind of a man, listen to his words." -- Chinese proverb "We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary." -- Booker T. Washington "Poetry is all nouns and verbs." -- Marianne Moore "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." -- Lily Tomlin "Language is the inventory of human experience." -- L. W. Lockhart "It was Greek to me." -- William Shakespeare "A linguistic system is a series of differences of sound combined with a series of differences of ideas. " -- Ferdinand De Saussure "Language is a skin: I rub my language against the other. It is as if I had words instead of fingers, or fingers at the tip of my words. My language trembles with desire." -- Roland Barthes "To have another language is to possess a second soul." -- Charlemagne "Those who know nothing of foreign languages, knows nothing of their own." -- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe "Think like a wise man but communicate in the language of the people." -- William Butler Yeats "Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?" -- Clarence Darrow "Because language is the carrier of ideas, it is easy to believe that it should be very little else than such a carrier." -- Louise Bogan "We need to hire people who speak Hispanish because Hispanic is an important language." -- Kathleen Kennedy Townsend, Maryland Lieutenant Governor "Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about." -- Benjamin Lee Whorf