One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" my daughter's husband shouted. "I can't find it anywhere!" "Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen a moment later. "Well, the toaster is fine, but the manual is burned to a crisp." WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW A lady was browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the hostess, "My husband is going to be so upset when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale." "I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," the hostess replied. "Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set." WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son." "OK: He's most likely suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery." "How can you say all that without even meeting him?" "I thought you said he's 13?" WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Warning: Same as the last one. A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them. While I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my BIG mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cows tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!" I don't remember much after that... WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey, she said, "You received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem: The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of her species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ted, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ted, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ted was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ted showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ted announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss the gorilla." "Second, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. Ted stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500." WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW My husband seems to feel one should get their money's worth on vacation. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to frolic every minute or not. But once when I was sitting in a beach chair on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is costing us $300 a day - and all you can do is sit there reading a book!" WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases: A billion seconds ago it was 1959. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Washington spends it. WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW I believe you should live each day as if it is your last. Which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW "I'll keep it short and sweet. Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business." - Montgomery Burns, THE SIMPSONS WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Restless God In the beginning, God created Earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW "Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech." - Groucho Marx WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Annoucement: I have heard that My "warning" statements actually aroused people's emotion to scroll down the page faster than their heart beat compulsorily. To ensure every one stays healthy while reading the joke complilations, I reserve the right to down-grade the warnings to "advisories". Basically both of them mean the same thing... dirty jokes or offensive humor coming up.....