[Rated: PG] A cowboy in Montana got pulled over by a Texas State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies." So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The cowboy says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [Rated: G] An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses. "Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death." "What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge. "Nuns with scissors." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [Rated: PG] Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?" And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [Rated: PG-13] {Rejection letter from a woman} Dear ________, I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition. Check those that apply... ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion. ___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter! ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by thetruckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something otherthan my personality. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself. ___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands! ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you. ___You have a hairy back. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals aninherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation. ___You still live with your parents. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of StarTrek uniforms a little disconcerting. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I amseeking in a long term partner. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application. ___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time. Sincerely, ______________________ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [Rated: G] I'm a young guy who hates to cook. She's a beautiful waitress who serves food. Of course, I was in love. But even though I frequently ordered out from her restaurant, I figured she didn't even know I existed. Then one day, after placing an order, I asked if she needed my name. "No," she said. "I remember you." Now I was on cloud nine. But I quickly fell back to Earth when I got my food. Inside the bag was the sales slip. On it she had written, "Cheeseburger, Med.--Fries--Large Coke, for nerdy guy with bad haircut." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [Rated: G] A young girl who had gotten into big trouble for misbehaving all day was advised by her mother to ask the Lord to help her be a good girl. Next day she came to her mother, looking downcast. "You heard me last night when I asked God to help me be good today, didn't you?" she asked. "Yes, dear, I did," said mother. The girl lowered her voice and said, "Then why do you suppose He didn't do it?" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [Rated: PG-13] The morning after their honeymoon, the wife said to her husband, "Y'know, you're really a lousy lover!" The husband replied, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [Rated: PG] These lines are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals: 1. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 2. "A room temperature IQ." 3. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together." 4. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 5. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." 6. "Bright as Alaska in December." 7. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 8. "He's so dense, light bends around him." 9. "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching." 10. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [Rated: G] Q: How can I get to the hospital? A: It is easy. You walk to the center lane. Close your eyes and stand still. You will be in the hospital about 10 minutes. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [Rated: G] The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School. The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [Rated: PG-13] A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nurse?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [Rated: PG] Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him. Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside." "What does she read?" asks Morris. "My life insurance policy." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [Rated: G] I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet. "How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one blonde woman. "A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground." The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [Rated: G] A father and his 6-year-old son walk into a bank. When they get in line the son notices the very large woman in front of them. The son tugs at the dad’s jacket and says, "Daddy, look! That lady is huge!" the father replies "yes son she's as big as a truck". About a minute later the large woman’s beeper goes off and the kid pushes his father out of the way and yells, "Look out dad!!! It’s backing up!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [Rated: G] A young man had just graduated from UCLA and was so excited just thinking about his future. He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?" "I'm the Class of 2005, just graduated from UCLA and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me." The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch; Class of 1982." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [Rated: PG] [[[ Some Quotes ]]] "One must desire something to be alive. " -- Margaret Deland 'I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf! All I have to do is mention it to my husband and he says, "Let's eat out!"' -- Anon. "I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson." -- Emo Philips "Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine." -- Fran Lebowitz "When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me." -- Carrot Top "There are two ways to slide easily through life; to believe everything or to doubt everything. Both ways save us from thinking." -- Alfred Korzybski "Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus." -- Bob Rubin "This is America. If you don't like spaghetti and meatballs, then you can just get the hell out!" --Steve Buscemi as the homeless guy in "Bigg Daddy". "We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done. " -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow "Everyone has a right to a university degree in America, even if it's in Hamburger Technology." -- Clive James "If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun." -- Katherine Hepburn