Warning: The contents of this compilation may not be appropriate for 
minors.

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and 
had the pupils answer by reciting a short poem. The first kid 
sat in the first row was a teacher's pet. He stood and said, 
"My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go 
to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the 
room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My 
name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have 
a baby...if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting 
in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is 
Johnny, and I don't give a damn about Japan but I would like 
to help Suzy in her plan if I can....and I think I can!"

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When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He found the 
problem quickly and, since he needed to replace the belt, 
decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too.

Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he needed 
a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire he'd found 
inside the dryer. He didn't know where it belonged, but he 
confidently assured the clerk that he could figure it out 
once he got into the job.

"I have the other parts," the clerk said, "but for the wire 
you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from your 
wife's bra."


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On their 30th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the 
reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, 
"I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no 
"I" in 'marriage.'"

The wife said, "And for my part, I have never corrected my 
husband's spelling."


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What's the difference between women at the ages of 8, 18, 28, 
38, 48 and 58.
8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. 
18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. 
28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed. 
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. 
48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. 
58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story.


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Some said men think about sex all the time. Here may be some 
proof.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful 
woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and 
gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make 
sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a 
beautiful woman.You get on the couch, string 'em along with 
some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, 
and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a 
dual carriage-way, is very much like making love to a beautiful 
woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly 
if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin 
airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful 
woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull 
back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or grunge that may have 
built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, 
and check that there are no kinks or any wear.  Particularly at 
the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've 
got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty 
of shot in your bag.


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A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd 
scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy 
restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything 
expensive on the menu.  Appetizers, lobster, champagne...the 
works.

Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at 
home?"

"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to have sex with me."


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An old soldier was celebrating 82 years on this Earth. He 
spoke to his toes.

"Hello, toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you are 
82 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we walked in 
the park in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed 
on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"

"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know 
you're 82 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we 
marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. 
Happy birthday, knees!"

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willy! If you were 
alive today, you'd be 82 years old!"


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A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always 
came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once 
my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from 
my bed, I called out : 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."

"Cured him?!" asked the woman, "But how?"

The neighbor said, "His name is Ted."


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"I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and watch it for 
hours." --Jerome K. Jerome


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"A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to."
 --Granville Hicks


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"Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity."
 --Frank Leahy


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"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon 
the wall instead of using it." --Gordon R. Dickson