Politicians have a constant need to be diplomatic. Witness this candidate for the Senate who traveled to a small town community to address the single church there. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to ask which denomination so that when it was time for his speech, he began in this way: "My brethren, all. I must tell you that my great Grandfather was Presbyterian." (absolute silence); "But my Grandmother was an Episcopalian." (more silence); "I must tell you that my other Grandfather was a Christian Scientist." (deep silence); "While my other Grandmother was Methodist." (even more silence). "But I must tell you that I had an aunt who was a Baptist through and through." (loud cheers!)" "And I have always considered my aunt's path to be the right one!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^-^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ It's become almost routine for members of the press to throw dumb or leading questions at members of the Bush administration. Maybe that's one of the reasons why Secretary of State Colin Powell seemed so well prepared for the shifty question recently hurled at him by an Iraqi reporter. According to the New York Post, one of Saddam's newshounds asked Powell, "Isn't it true that only 13% of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?" Powell countered. "You're probably right. But unfortunately for you, all 13% are Marines." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^-^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ At a boat-rental concession, the manager went to the lake's edge and yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up." Several minutes passed, but the boat didn't return. "Boat number 99," he again hollered, "return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you overtime." "Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant said. "We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99." The manager thought for a moment and then raised his mega- phone: "Boat number 66," he yelled. "Are you having trouble out there?" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^-^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch. His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?" Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^-^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner. "Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy- Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^-^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^-^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ KIDS BOOKS THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT 1) You're Different-And That's Bad 2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables 3) Robert: Dad's New Wife 4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share 5) The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking 6) Kathy Was So Bad That Her Mom Stopped Loving Her 7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence 8) All Cats Go to Hell 9) The Little Sissy That Snitched 10) Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends? 11) That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption. 12) Grandpa Gets a Casket 13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool 14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator 15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear 16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy 17) Strangers Have the Best Candy 18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way 19) You Were an Accident 20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will 21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry 22) Your Nightmares Are Real 23) Where Would You Like to be Buried? 24) You've Got Herpes, Charlie Brown 25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things From Your Nose ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^-^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ "Research has been being conducted on the world's first con- traceptive patch for women. The patch is approximately three inches in diameter and reads, "Get Off Me." --Tina Fey ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^-^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Q: What is the definition of "making love"? A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^-^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ "What some people mistake for the high cost of living is really the cost of high living." --Doug Larson ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^-^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ "It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this." --Bertrand Russell