A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?" "Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars." "Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund." "What are you studying in school?" asked Larry. The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology." <><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> My dad had a sure way to keep my mom from buying an outfit. When she tried it on, he said, "I love that middle-aged look it gives you." <><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good? Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?" <><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> More Weird Signs An ad on the subway in NYC: "Learn to read and speak English. Call us now." Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: "COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself." Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American." Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty." Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!" Here is a great sign I saw in the grocery store: "Snickers, 5 for 1.00$.(limit 4)" On a dock in Juneau, Alaska: "Safety ladder, climb at own risk." Sign on the wall of the office of an ethnologist: "Beware of bargains in 1. Parachutes 2. Life preservers 3. Brain surgery 4. Eye Care" Billboard sign on a highway coming out of Austin, TX: "Nobody reads billboards.... But you just did :)" An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed." On a store front in Florida: "Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!" Sign in a Laundromat Washing machines: "Please remove all your clothes when light goes out." Sign in a London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs" Outside a farm: "Horse manuare per pre-packed bag do-it-yourself." In an office: "After tea break staff shoud empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board." <><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> POLICE WARNING Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to Target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large kegs. "Beer" is apparently used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's avings in a familiar scam known as a "relationship" has also been reported that in extreme cases the female has even been shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Clearly, most men are highly susceptible to this scam after "beer" has been heavily administered and sex is aggressively offered by a predatory female. Please forward this warning to every male you know! If you have however, already fallen victim to the insidious drug known as "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there is help. Male support groups with venues in every town are available where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages. <><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> A car with Massachusetts plates drove up to the Canadian customs booth I was manning. When I asked the driver his name, he looked at me strangely and asked, "How much?" I repeated my question, and this time he answered. But when I proceeded to question him further, he told me he just wanted to pay the toll and go. "You're not at a tollbooth, Sir," I patiently explained. "This is Canadian customs." The man paled. He had left Boston six hours earlier--headed for New York City. <><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> A very large woman walks into a department store and asks a salesman, "Do you have anything I could fit into?" "Well," the man says, "I think I could fit you into that elevator." <><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Stuck in rush-hour traffic, I couldn't help but stare at a burly-looking biker wearing a black leather jacket and chaps pulled up next to me on a shocking pink Harley. My first thoughts were, "Is that really a pink Harley?" and, "I wonder if he's..." Just then the traffic cleared, and he pulled in front of me. On the back of his jacket were stenciled the words, "Yes, it is. No, I'm not." <><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone. "No, not at all," the doctor said calmly. "Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out." "Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around." <><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. <><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> We go to a little independent movie chain. They show some nice quirky movies you just can't see anywhere else. We'd gotten to know the owner of the chain pretty well. So I was saddened when I read in the paper he'd passed away. The funeral's going to be this coming Saturday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40, and 10:50. <><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> "According to a new Gallup poll out today, 61 percent of Iraqis believe the war to remove Saddam Hussein (news - web sites) was worth any hardship. ... The problem is, the other 39 percent are shooting at us." -- Jay Leno <><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> "Making a great motion picture is easy. It's getting people to pay $9 to watch a total piece of s--- that is really hard." -- comedian ROB SCHNEIDER. <><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> "He likes to be called Dr. X. This is an upgrade from his previous title Miser X." - Anon <><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> "Cheney says that Walmart is a great American institution. Well, that's true; all the workers are Mexican and the stuff is made in China." --Late Show with David Letterman <><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> "I bet that Van Gogh guy cut off his ear by accident and made up that 'lost love' story so he wouldn't look stupid." --Andy Pierson <><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Have no fear of perfection -- you'll never reach it. -- Salvador Dali <><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up, because by that time I was too famous. -- Robert Benchley <><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Crazy E-bay Auction page. I cannot believe the price goes so high. http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=4146756343 (Thanks to Ruth and Todd)