History of the middle finger Well, now... here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it? /' ) / / ,/_ / / / / / / / /'_'/' '/'__'/' '/' / / / / / /'/ / / / /_\ ( ( ' ' _ > \ \ \ \ | \ | \ / \ / \ / Giving the Finger Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!" Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird." And yew thought yew knew everything. (O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O) Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? A; Because many men are stupid, but few are blind. (O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O) Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed; they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O) "You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered the suspect. "And what did you steal?" "A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject. "One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!" "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But my wife couldn't decide on the color." (O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O) Driving my friend Steve and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Steve's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her." "No," Steve corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her." (O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O) My wife clipped a job listing out of the paper for me. She said it wasn't much to start out... but a huge pay raise. It read, "Salary: 23k to start. 401k after 1 yr." (O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O) After a particularly inspiring worship service, a church member greeted the pastor. "Reverend, that was a wonderful sermon. You should have it published." The pastor replied, "Actually, I'm planning to have all my sermons published posthumously." "Great!" enthused the church member. "The sooner the better!" (O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O) A woman came to the psychiatrist worried. "Doctor," she said, "I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?" "Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor." (O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O) What PMS stands for: 0. Pre-menstrual Syndrome 1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My Sweat-pants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff and my favorite one... 13. Potential Murder Suspect (O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O) In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking. "Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?" I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'" (O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O) No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet. The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double- checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in the chin. (O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O) Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts. The sleeping quarters consist of a large room with several single beds, so we get to know one another's habits, like who snores or talks in his sleep. While I was having my teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that some of my teeth were chipped. "It looks like you clench your jaw at night," he said. "No way," I blurted without thinking. "No one has ever said I grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!" (O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O) Playing golf with his buddies, George had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?" His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. Too bad, George missed the putt by two feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. George pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, 'I can make this putt.' His pals are still trying to collect on the bet...and George is too. (O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O) Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary." "I don't believe it for one minute !" Marie snapped."You're just saying that to make me jealous !!!" (O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O) [[Genius or Useless?]] Apr. 25, 2005 Time Magazine At the 33rd International Exhibition of Inventions in Geneva, Switzerland, at which 1,000 new products from 42 countries vied for attention, creative innovations stood side by side with wacky eccentricities. The grand prize was awarded, boringly, to a device that cleans boat hulls, while the audience prize went to the inventor of a motorcycle air bag. But what other gadgeteers attracted stares (and maybe a few snickers)? A quick peek. CLIP STICK Saturnino Munoz - Carriqui, Spain •For the obese, toenail cutting can be tricky. This new tool aims to make it easier to snip from a distance FOLD-OUT BIKE HELMET Eugen Fleisch, Germany •Suffer a spill, and this protective gear pops out of your backpack to cushion the fall PRIVATE EARTHQUAKE SHELTER Mircea Manolescu, Romania •For those who fear being buried amid a quaking mass of rubble, this boxy device promises personal protection. It also can signal rescuers MAGIC EYES - K.N. Tsang, Hong Kong •This digital pair of glasses, worn here by the inventor, uses audio input to provide navigational assistance to the blind or visually impaired (O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O) The managers of the A1 Steak Sauce company were impressed by their new billboard. It showed a handsome-husband type seated in front of a large plate of steak and potatoes in a smart restaurant. A pretty, buxom young waitress was standing over him, handing him a bottle of A1. Originally they had titled the billboard, "What Does She Know About Your Husband That You Don't?" But after complaints from members of the board, that the ad was too suggestive, they changed the headline. Now it reads: He Gets It Downtown, Why Not Give It To Him At Home?" (O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O) A young woman was worried about her stress-related habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick, so her friend advised her to take up yoga. She did, and soon her finger- nails were growing normally. Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervous- ness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead." (O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O) Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?" "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel. "Oh, good," she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages." "What is it?" I asked. "My husband's new hearing aid." (From Reader's Digest) (O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O) "Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them." --Joseph Heller "I must've been out of my mind! Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? You sit around here all day. You contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? I wouldn't respect myself." -- Cosmo Kramer "I want him to think about me naked - not some woman he can throw money at." -- JESSICA ALBA, who plays a stripper in thhe movie "Sin City" telling the New York Post why she doesn't want her boyfriend going to strip clubs. "It was a cross between a screwball and a change-up --- a screw-up." -- Chicago Cubs pitcher Bob Patterson, afteer giving a home run "The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way." --Samuel Butler "According to a report, there are some people who are not happy with the choice of the new pope. In fact, one of the cardinals today had a bumper sticker on their car that said 'Don't blame me. I voted for Cardinal Mahoney.'" --Jay Leno