<Rated: G> 

Q. Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, 
rich, tall, strong, sensitive, a good lover and a stimulating partner?

A. In the pages of a romance novel. 

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<Rated: PG> 

[[Some Easter jokes passed-over.....]]


One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's
sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He
pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"

"I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!" 

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<Rated: PG-13> 

After the big egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the youngest boy on the farm
decided to play a little prank on all of the chickens, as with little
else to do he enjoyed confusing the animals to amuse himself. He went
to the chicken coop and replaced every single brown egg with a
brightly colored one from the hunt.									

A few minutes later the rooster walked in and saw all of the colored
eggs, then stormed outside and pecked the peacock to death.

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<Rated: R>  

Stress Reliever # 9
A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex? 
He replied: Depends, if I can find a phone.

________________________________________________________________________ 
Stress Reliever # 10 
Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are 
sleeping with?
Wife replied: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others! 

________________________________________________________________________ 
Stress Reliever # 11
Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S. ?
Answer: Because people started licking the wrong side.

________________________________________________________________________ 
Stress Reliever # 12 
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty face
or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of 
humour.

________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 13
Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are 
you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?
Lady replied: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day. 

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<Rated: G> 

A dentist was filling a cavity when he turned to the patient and said: "Would
you mind doing me a favour? Could you let out a loud, piercing scream?"

The patient said:"But it doesn't hurt so bad this time."

The dentist said: "I know. But I've got a waiting room full of people and I
don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game." 


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<Rated: PG> 

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a 
bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION 
ALL" and farts loudly. 

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at 
the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my 
wife." 

The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."


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<Rated: G> 

[[ Camping Tips ]]

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep
the campsites on either side vacant.

*Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an
open fire.

*When smoking a fish, never inhale.

*Steer clear of parks named for landfills.

*While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife
has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

*Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in
a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been
proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

*Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel
before applying the match.

*You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into
a plastic garbage bag with several geese. 

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<Rated: G> 

Teacher: Remember what happens to boys who use bad language when they play
marbles.

Boy: Yep, teacher, they grow up to play golf. 

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<Rated: G> 

First Fisher: Is this a good lake for fish?

Second Fisher: It must be. I can't get any of them to come out.

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<Rated: PG> 

A woman was in her psychiatrist's office, terribly upset after a bad dream.

"Now", soothed the psychiatrist, "tell me about this dream you had."

"Well," said the lady, "I dreamed I was walking down the street with nothing
on but a hat."

"And, were you embarrassed?"

"Yes I was. It was last year's hat!" 

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<Rated: G> 
Did you hear about that new restaurant on the moon?

Great food, but no atmosphere.

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<Rated: G> 

A girl went over to her friend and said: "I hear you broke off your 
engagement to Rob? 

Why?"

"It's just that my feelings towards him aren't the same any more."

"Are you returning his ring?"

"No way! My feelings towards the ring haven't changed a bit!" 

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<Rated: G> 

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers, this includes age, weight and 
height.
Let the doctors worry about them; that is why you pay "them".

2. Keep only cheerful friends; the grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever; never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's 
workshop",
and the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who 
is
with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes,
music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
improve
it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next 
county,
to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the 
moments that take our breath away.

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<Rated: PG-13> 

"Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love, 
"Will you still make love like that to me after we're married ?"

He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so. 
I've always been especially fond of married women."

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<Rated: PG> 

As a switchboard operator in one of Philadelphia's busiest hotels, I often
relay messages to guests. One evening a gentleman called me because the
message light on his phone was flashing. "This is Mr. Matera in Room
1162. Do you have a message for me?"

"Yes," I replied, "the message is from Sue. She says she loves you and
misses you."

There was silence on the other end before he asked, "Did she leave a
last name?" 

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<Rated: PG> 

""" Quotation! """ 

"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you." -- Carl Gustav Jung 

"It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them."
-- Alfred Adler 

"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious."
-- Brendan Gill 

"Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand."
-- Benny Hill 

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic
pictures." -- US President George W. Bush

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with
a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity."
-- Albert Einstein 

"Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercouse, yet
he has left it out of his heaven." -- Mark Twain 

"A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted."
-- Helen Rowland 

"A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of
a divorce." -- Don Quinn 

"Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river."
-- Cordel Hull 

"A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies." -- Oscar Wilde