The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My Mom is a good cook!" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor hold me I needed a tonsillectomy. Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn't speak. The nurse patted my hand and said, "Don't worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it's not a dangerous procedure." "You're right. I'm being silly," I said, "Please continue." "Good," the nurse went on, "Now, do you have a living will?" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX As a secret shopper for a large department store, my sister made purchases at various chains and then reported back to supervisors on the clerks' performances. After a few weeks, I asked her if she was enjoying her new job. "I love it!" she replied. "I'm getting paid for doing two of my favorite things in life--shopping and criticizing people." [Reader's Digest.] XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five!" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves!" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Realizing that their home just wasn't big enough with the new baby in the house, Little Johnny's parents discussed moving to a bigger one. Little Johnny sat patiently listening to his parents, then piped in, "It's no use moving. He'll just follow us anyway." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX The day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to the section that asked: Single____, Married____, Divorced____. I marked single. Glancing at the man next to me, who was also filling out his form, I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks. Instead he had written, 'Yes, in that order.' [Borrowed from Reader's Digest.] XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX English signs in some countries On an Athi River highway: "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE." In a Bangkok temple: "IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN." Doctors office, Rome: "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER." In a cemetery: "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES." Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: ?UESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED." Hotel, Zurich: "BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE." Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?" Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS." Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really? Like a newborn baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy." His friend replies, "How's that?" "It's like this: My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. "When I'm in a good mood it turns green. "When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead!" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX United Airlines is laying off 350 pilots. It'll effect operations. For example, passengers with enough frequent flyer miles will now be eligible for an upgrade from coach to the co-pilot's seat. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you! Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied. . . "I remember!" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "Yeah, but I love you more than football and basketball." --Tommy Lasorda, after his wife accused him of loving base- ball more than her. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious. " -- Oscar Wilde XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "The Bolshoi Ballet in Russia has fired one of Russia's best known ballerinas after some of the male dancers complained she was too fat to lift. They called her the nutcracker." --Jay Leno XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 'Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.' -- Mark Twain XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 'Most men are dogs. There are some nice dogs and some really nasty dogs. But you get the good ones -- the faithful that hang around and treat you well and you treat them well -- and that's it.' -- Jackie Collins, Author of "Hollywood DDivorces " XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want--an adorable pancreas? " -- Jean Kerr, Writer/Lyricist XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Attachment: Photos from the Underworld (Thanks to Lichen)