Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easier to get...... So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked. Adam and Eve had the ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my life, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short short skirts. What does your wife look like?" The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours first." I was examining cantaloupes at the grocery store and turned to the produce clerk, who was refilling the bins. "Choosing a cantaloupe is like picking a mate for marriage," I observed casually. "A person has no idea what he's getting until it's too late." "I know," he replied. "I've had three cantaloupes." Everybody's a comedian. I called my local home improvement store for a simple piece of advice. "I know the Sheetrock is nailed to the studs," I said to the guy who answered the phone, "but how do I find the studs?" "Put an ad in the personals column." he suggested. When the famous politician and orator William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925) was a young man, he went to the home of the father of his prospective wife to ask him for her hand in marriage. Bryan was determined to impress the father by quoting from the Bible, and he chose Proverbs 18:22: "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD." Bryan was unnerved when the father replied by quoting Paul: "So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better." (1 Corinthians 7:38) Bryan, never at a loss for words, said: "Yes, but Paul had no wife and Solomon had 700. Therefore, I believe Solomon ought to be the better judge as to marriage." Every day, a male coworker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget." "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't prescribe..." "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me." The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE." "I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um... okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..." His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too . . . " Me And You Is Friends ... You Smile, I Smile .... You Hurt, I Hurt .... You Cry, I Cry .. You Jump Off A Bridge .. I Gonna Miss You After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz, our boss called the repair service and asked to speak to the manager, Ahmed. "Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?" said the guy who answered the phone. "Sorry," said my boss. "I was looking for Ahmed." "This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?" "I thought you just said your name was Ed?" asked my boss. "It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think I'm saying, 'I'm Ed.' So I figured it's just easier to be Ed." Hundreds of thousands of people who gathered in NYC's central park on Earth Day in 1990 to 'express their support for environmental program, and to display their concern for mother earth. They left behind more than 154 tons of litter. It took 50 park employees until 3am the following day to clean it up. A blonde is on board a small two- seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio. "Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams. Ground control receives her call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First, I need you to give me your height and position." "I'm 5 foot 8 and sitting in the front seat!" Doug went to the eye doctor for an examination because he was having trouble reading the newspaper. "Now that you're over 40," the doctor told him, "you've developed a condition called 'presbyopia,' in which the lens of your eye can no longer focus as well as it used to." Seeing his worried look, the doctor tried to be upbeat. "Con- gratulations!" he said. "You're now officially a presbyope!" Doug leaned over and asked seriously, "If that means I'm no longer a Roman Catholic, do I still have to go to Confession?" [This one is in honor of the new Pope Benedict XVI.] "A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are." -- Chauncey M. Depew "I love spring in New York City. Spring is in the air? also carbon monoxide, lead, zinc..." --Dave Letterman "I'm enjoying the relationship and to be honest with you I didn't think I would." -- Former US President GEORGE BUSH on his unlikely friendship with Former US President BILL CLINTON, quoted in the New York Daily News. "After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident it makes you wonder about history." -- Anon "Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollars, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders." -- Chris Rock "I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." --Joseph Blosephina "He is a self-made man and worship his creator." -- John Bright "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae west "A full stomach likes to preach about fasting." - Proverb of Russia