The doctor was making his rounds and walked into the semi- private room in the hospital to examine old Mrs. Williams. After the exam in his best professional voice, he said smoothly, "You are coughing much more easily this morning." "I should," snapped the patient. "I've been practicing all night." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Stupid Things Actually Said By Commentators In The World Of Footbal (Soccer) ... 1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win. 2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long. 3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record. 4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header. 5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts. 6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal. 7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere. 8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win. 9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead. 10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down." The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" "In the 'Sahara Forest'," replied the puny man. "You mean the 'Sahara Desert'," said the lumberjack. The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!" %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% List of the top ten best parting movie lines from a British poll. 1. "I'll be back." - The Terminator (1984); 2. "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." - Gone with the Wind (1939); 3. "Get busy living, or get busy dying." - The Shawshank Redemption (1994); 4. "Hasta la vista, baby." - Terminator II (1991); 5. "Well, nobody's perfect!" - Some Like it Hot (1959); 6. "Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye." - 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968); 7. "Goodbye Mr Bond." - Goldfinger (1964); 8. "I've seen things you wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tanhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time like tears in the rain... Time to die." -Bladerunner (1982); 9. "Made it, Ma! Top of the world!" - White Heat (1949); 10. "Forget about it!" - Donnie Brasco (1997). %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!" She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant! He was ecstatic! They had been trying for awhile. He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!" He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!" %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?" %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I over- heard the couple at the next table discussing their bill. "Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a pig back on the farm that's worth at least $146,000." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% When April and I went up to New England a couple of years ago we decided to stay in one of those quaint little inns. The clerk at the inn asked me if we wanted a room with a shower or a tub. "What's the difference?" I asked. "Well, sir, in a tub, you can sit down." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Do you want to know what I got for Father's Day? The bills from Mother's Day. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly- assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard. I work on a cutter that escorts cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges in California's Bay Area. But what my father told his friend was, "She's involved in some sort of escort service." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% The other day I heard that the Iraqis are getting upset because people keep referring to them as "towel heads". Apparently, they do not wear towels on their heads, they wear sheets. In the future, when you refer to them, please use their correct name "sheet heads". %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "In Connecticut a man was arrested for having sex with a cow. When the man was asked what he was thinking at the time, he said he was thinking about a younger, hotter cow." --Craig Kilborn %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "In Manila, a man killed a person at a karaoke bar because he said the person was singing out of tune. In a related story, the Backstreet Boys canceled their concert in Manila." --Conan O'Brien