[Rated: G] A well-to-do young man met a beautiful young woman at an exclusive party and was immediately smitten with her. He took her on the town and eventually to his apartment where he discovered she was not only a beautiful woman, but also well-groomed, cultured and very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he offered her a glass of wine and asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry. "Oh, Sherry," she said, "by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the Gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When that gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion... "On the other hand, Port makes me fart." ######################################################## [Rated: G] A father is in church with three of his young children, including his six year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?" ######################################################## [Rated: G] Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop. "I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon. "What for?" asked his colleague. "About $17,000." "What did he have?" "Oh... About $17,000." ######################################################## [Rated: PG-13] Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie: "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room." "I reckon I'll have me a double latte with a twist. In a dirty mug!" "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution." "Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two for sugar." "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue." "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!" "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration." "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?" "HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left... ..Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!" ######################################################## [Rated: G] A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied. "I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us." "Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster." ######################################################## [Rated: PG] Airman Jones was assigned to the instruction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first? ######################################################## [Rated: G] My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs. She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!" "What's the matter?" I asked. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight." "That'll teach them!" I replied. ######################################################## [Rated: G] [[ Actual Classified Ads ]] FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50 GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE at: XXX-XXXX SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE! FROZEN SOFT & GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100 PRESIDENT'S CHOICE - COW MANURE - 2 33lb bags - $5 ######################################################## [Rated: G] A Texasfarmer goes into a store to buy chicken wire. "I'd like 10 yards of chicken wire." Clerk: "Haven't you heard? We've gone metric. We sell things by the meter now, not the yard." Farmer: "OK, I'd like 10 meters of chicken wire." Clerk: "Right. Is that with the half-inch or quarter-inch holes? " ######################################################## [Rated: G] Aboard the USS TARAWA for six months, my brother Don posted a picture of his beloved truck in his locker. Since his fellow Marines had pictures of their girlfriends posted, they often ridiculed him for his object of adoration. "Laugh all you want," Don told them, "At least my truck will still be there when I get home." ######################################################## [Rated: G] Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? A: Data transfer. ######################################################## [Rated: G] Two skeletons used by the professor of anatomy found themselves stowed away in a closet, and after several weeks of boredom, one asked the other, "What are we doing shut up in here anyway?" "Got me" admitted his companion, "But if we had any guts we'd get out of here." ######################################################## [Rated: G] It was a full auditorium. Halfway through the author's talk, she began to feel sick. In a calm voice, she announced that she had left a few pages of her speech offstage, in her bag. She walked off slowly and, as soon as she was out of sight, ran to the bathroom where she immediately threw up. She was just about finished when someone came into the bath- room to tell her that her collar mic was still on. ######################################################## [Rated: G] Scanning the phone book for a garbage collection service, I came across one that clearly wasn't afraid to tackle any job. Their ad read: "Residential hauling. All types of junk removed. No load too large or too small. Garages, basements, addicts." ######################################################## [Rated: G] While visiting my mother in the hospital, I stopped in the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils and return golden brown. Instead, it got stuck at the back of the toaster, and I couldn't reach it. The woman next to me in line quickly seized a pair of tongs, reached in, and fished out the piece of toast. I joked, "You must be an emergency room worker." "No," she replied with a grin. "I'm an obstetrician." ######################################################## [Rated: PG] {{{ Quotes about Politics and politicians }}} "So long as governments set the example of killing their enemies, private individuals will occasionally kill theirs." --Elbert Hubbard "Condoleezza Rice made her last stop in her foreign trip, she was in Beijing. ... They went nuts for her. From their reaction you would think people in China had never seen Rice before." --Jay Leno "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." -- Dan Quayle "Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that." -- Bill Clinton "Why would I listen to losers?" --California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, on working with state Democrats to close the budget deficit "I am not going to give you a number for it because it's not my business to do intelligent work." -- Donald Rumsfeld "Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you get knocked down by the traffic from both sides." -- Margaret Thatcher "Globalization is a fact of life. But I believe we have underestimated its fragility." -- Kofi Annan "Do you think the War on Poverty is over? Why, yes, I think it is, and the poor lost." -- Comedian Rich Little, impersonating Ronald Reagan "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." -- Abraham Lincoln "Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president but they don't want them to become politicians in the process" --John Fitzgerald Kennedy