My dry cleaner very generously provides a stack of free news- papers for his customers. As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers." "Oh, don't worry about us," he chuckled... "Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Man: "How's your history paper coming?" Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it's been very helpful. Man: "Really?" Woman: "Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell them!" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH A man ran into a cow with his car. The insurance company made him fill out an accident report. 1. What warning did you give the other part before the collision? Horn. 2. What warning was given by the other party? Moo. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH CORRECT USEAGE OF THE "F" WORD When is @#$% Acceptable? There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows: 11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 10. "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877 8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938 7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926 6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. "You want! WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566 4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937 3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC 2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1999 and a drum roll............! ..... 1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." -- Sadaam Hussein, 2003 HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin'?" The driver said, - "Well that depends - You buyin'?" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH "I ran afoul of one of those questions only women ask. Now I'm in trouble at home." "What kind of question?" asked Jon. "Judi asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," said Jon. "You just say, 'Of course I will'". "Yeah", said Amanpreet, "That's what I did, except I said, 'Of course I DO.'" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH A friend of mine works in a former supermarket that was remodeled to accommodate professional offices. One day he overheard his receptionist giving directions over the phone. "Remember the old grocery store?" she asked the caller. "Well, you'll find us in the meat department." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street. The other dog says, "What was that about?" The dog first dog says, "I was just checking my messages." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH A graduate in economics who completed his degree in the 1950's returned to his old university for a visit. He was amazed to see that the examination questions were identical to the ones asked in his day. When he pointed this out to a member of staff, he replied, "That's true, but, of course, the answers are completely different now." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH In order to make the world a better place, the following rules will take immediate effect across the planet. 1. It is no longer permitted to be stupid and slow. You must choose one or the other. 2. If in the course of parking your car you are not able to maneuver the vehicle into a space in less time than it takes to undergo and recover from open heart surgery, it is not permitted to park in that space. 3. If you are waiting for an elevator that is slow to come and you are the sort of person who pushes the call button repeatedly in the belief that it will make a difference, you are no longer permitted to use elevators. 4. In office buildings and retail premises in which entry is through double doors and one of those doors is locked for no reason, the door must bear a large sign saying: "This Door Is Locked for No Reason." 5. When standing in line at a retail establishment, it is not permitted to engage the sales assistant in conversation regarding the weather, the health or personal relationships of mutual acquaintances or other matters not relevant to the purchase. 6. Any electronic clock on which the time is set by holding down a button and scrolling laboriously through the minutes and hours is illegal. Also, when you are trying to set the alarm for, say, 7:00 a.m. and the numbers get to about 6:52 and then suddenly speed up and you discover that you have gone past the desired hour and have to start all over, that is extremely illegal. [This list was written by Bill Bryson in his book I'M A STRANGER HERE MYSELF. The original list contained several other items, but that would have made it too long for pub- lication here, and to tell you the truth the other items weren't really that funny anyway.] HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Rodney Dangerfield's Best One Liners A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with. it? been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through." I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; hat's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH It was 18 years ago that the cellular phone was introduced. Before that, drivers had to keep their hands busy with just a radio. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Game Show Host: Name a bird that can also be a man's name. Contestant: Chicken. (Borrowed from my 'stupid' calendar) HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames. There were no injuries. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH A report says high school students aren't very good with American history. It's pretty shameful. On a recent test, a majority of seniors thought Lincoln's Gettysburg address was ALincoln@gettysburg.com..." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH "To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost." --Gustave Flaubert HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people. --Dan Quayle, Former US Vice President HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH China is a big country with a lot of chinese people living there. --Charles De Gaulle, Former French President HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH With fame I become more and more stupid, which of course is a very common phenomenon. --Albert Einstein