Love, Lust or Marriage LOVE:: When you write poems about your partner. LUST: When all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE: When all you write is checks. LOVE: When sex is called "making love". LUST: When sex is called "doing it". MARRIAGE: When you can't remember what you used to call it. LOVE: When your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST: When your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE: When you lose your child in a crowded room. LOVE: When your heart flutters every time you see them. LUST: When your groin twitches every time you see them. MARRIAGE: When your wallet empties every time you see them. LOVE: When you argue over how many children to have. LUST: When you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE: When you argue about money. LOVE: When you have concern for your partner's feelings. LUST: When you have concern for your partner's test results. MARRIAGE: When you have concern for what's on TV. LOVE: When nobody else matters. LUST: When nobody else knows. MARRIAGE: When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows. LOVE: When you like to be seen in public with your partner. LUST: When you like to see each other naked. MARRIAGE: When you never see each other awake. LOVE: When you share everything you own. LUST: When you steal everything they own. MARRIAGE: When the bank owns everything. LOVE: When you phone each other just to say, "Hi." LUST: When you phone each other to pick a hotel room. MARRIAGE: When you phone each other to gripe. LOVE: When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. LUST: When the song on the radio determines how you do it. MARRIAGE: When you listen to talk radio. LOVE: When your farewell is "I love you, darling." LUST: When your farewell is "Same time next week?" MARRIAGE: When your farewell is "Pick up some toilet paper." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX A Little Hotel Maintenance A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you complained of the chandelier falling on them." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "Good afternoon, Landlord, a pint of Less if you please," said the old man. "Less? Never heard of it," replied the barman. "Oh, come now surely you have," he persisted. "No sorry, we certainly don't stock it. What is it anyway? Some foreign beer?" "Well I'm not sure," admitted the man. "It was the doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink less." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Tax Time "The trick is to stop thinking of it as 'your' money." -An unidentified Tax Auditor *** "[The Internal Revenue Code is] about 10 times the size of the Bible - and unlike the Bible, contains no good news." --Sen. Don Nickles *** "I like to pay taxes. With them I buy civilization." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. *** One taxpayer, who worked at a pest control firm listed his occupation as "Hired Killer." *** "[The tax code] is a monstrosity and there's only one thing to do with it. Scrap it, kill it, drive a stake through its heart, bury it and hope it never rises again to terrorize the American people." --Steve Forbes XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told. "But how will I recognize it?" asked the man. Back came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: "Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'" One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't serve your type here." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said yes. She asked me, "Single click or double click?" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX My doctor's receptionist called me to the desk to update my personal file. Before I could tell her that all the infor- mation she had was still correct, she asked, "Has your birth date changed?" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Politicians talk to the country the way men talk to women. They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Q: Why are men Thinkers and women Talkers? A: Because men have two heads and women have four lips. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Some one scrawled a line on a Baghdad wall "Go back to your place, Americans!" Several days later, another line was added "Bring me along.' ; XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Along the same line was the couple who wanted to deduct the cost of their daughter's wedding as a casualty loss. After all, they reasoned, she really made a terrible mistake marrying the man she did. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX ETHICAL QUESTION: In light of the news of the so called human cloning going on, we have to ask ourselves the hypothetical question. If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be: A ) murder, B ) suicide, or C ) merely making an obscene clone fall. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I was over at some friends' house the other night. I noticed they had the board game "Titanic," based on the movie. I asked 'em, "How do you play this? Pour a bucket of ice in someone's pants? Go down on someone you love?" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years." -Mark Twain XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "George W. Bush says he spends sixty to ninety minutes a day working out. He says he works out because it clears his mind. Sometimes just a little too much." --Jay Leno XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "I don't have a fear of flying. I have a fear of crashing." -Eccentric actor BILLY BOB THORNTON's down-to-earth phobia.