Stress Reliever #1 Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?" ___________________________________________________ Stress Reliever # 2 Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden. Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles. Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet. ___________________________________________________ Stress Reliever # 3 Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mom: Well, you have done the right thing. Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap. ___________________________________________________ Stress Reliever # 4 Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?" Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear." Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?!" Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs." ___________________________________________________ Stress Reliever # 5 Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card." Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents." ___________________________________________________ Stress Reliever # 6 A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".. "My father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said another. Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans." ___________________________________________________ Stress Reliever # 7 Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?" Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife." Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?" Millionaire: "A Billionaire" ___________________________________________________ Stress Reliever # 8 Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: Thanks for the warning. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Information? I need the phone number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." "$%^&*@!." "Just a minute, sir. I'll have to connect you with my supervisor." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Five Jewish men influenced the history of Western civilization. Moses said the law is everything. Jesus said love is everything. Marx said capital is everything. Freud said sex is everything. Einstein said everything is relative. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A new nurse listened while Dr. Blake was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?" The other nurse replied, "Oh, he is the new doctor. He just likes to call the shots around here." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A distinguished looking young lady is on a flight returning from Switzerland. She finds herself seated next to a priest and asks" Excuse me father, may I ask a favor of you?" "Well of course Miss, what can I do for you?" he replies. "Here's the dilemma, I purchased for myself, a superbly sophisticated electronic hair remover. I paid a lot of money for it. I really went well over the limits set forth by Customs, and I fear they will confiscate it from me. Could you perhaps secret it through Customs for me under your robes?" "I certainly could my dear, only I must warn you I really am not ever able to lie..." "You have such an honest face father, surely they will never ask any questions of you," and with that she hands him the hair remover. After landing they proceed through Customs and it becomes the father's turn in line. "Father, do you have anything to declare?" asks the Custom's officer. "From the top of my head to my waist I have nothing to declare my son." Finding this answer a little strange the custom's officer proceeds to ask, "And from the waist to the floor, what do you have to declare?" The father replies, "I have a marvellous little instrument destined to be used on a woman, but which has never yet been used..." Roaring with laughter the Custom's officer says, "Go right through father. Next!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy. "Nothing easier," Twain said. "No man can serve two masters." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned * No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. * When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. * If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. * Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato. * You can't trust dogs to watch your food. * Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. * Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. * Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. * Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. * School lunches stick to the wall. * You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. * Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. No matter how cute the underwear is. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Post office employee to boss: "Sir, may I present Joe Johnson. He's retiring from the post office after thirty years." Boss: "Well, Johnson, what have you learned after thirty years with us?" Johnson: "Don't mail my check." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oil Change instructions for women (in suburban US): 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube on a good day when the weather is nice and there is no major discount in department stores. 2) Drink a cup of latte with piece of cake. 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change $25.00 Latte $4.00 Pastry $4.50 Total $33.50 Oil Change instructions for men: 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to Auto Zone parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00. 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener. 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to service station to recycle. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface, be sure filter is full of oil. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer. 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 30) Drink beer. 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy. 36) Beer. 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 38) Beer. 39) Beer. 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 41) Beer. 42) Lower car from jack stands. 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43. 45) Beer. 46) Test drive car. 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence (DUI). 48) Car gets impounded. 49) Call loving wife, make bail. 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 Total - - $4,165.00 But you know the job was done right! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The woman was happily showing off her BMW. "It was nice of your husband to buy you that new car," said a friend. "Nice nothing!!! He had to," explained the woman. "I caught him in bed with the maid." "Oh, how dreadful " replied the friend, sympathetically. "Well, did you fire her?" "Certainly not! I still need all new matching outfits to go with the car!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr. Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?" "Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars." "Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund." "What are you studying in school?" asked Mr. Smith. The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my own present instead of making you and dad shop for me." "But mom," says the daughter, "some poor, helpless creature has to suffer so that you can have this coat. Don't you think that's kind of cruel?" "Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings. "My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one. "My sister takes gymnastics," said another. Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [[[ Quotes about Numbers ]]] "Year, n. A period of 365 disappointments." -- Ambrose Bierce "Our five senses are incomplete without the sixth - a sense of humor." -- Author Unknown "I'm all right. I'm good enough to be here, but I'll never be 100 percent again. Who will be? But 50 or 75 percent of me is better than 100 percent of 99.9 percent of people on the planet." -- wrestler Goldberg "This is lap 26, which, unless I'm very much mistaken, is halfway through this 58-lap race." - race commentator Murray Walker "He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever." -- Chinese Proverb "Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue..." --Anon. "The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79." -- Douglas Adams "How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?" -- Charles De Gaulle "My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein "98% of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then-- we elected them." -- Lily Tomlin "Man has six organs to serve him and he is master only of three. He cannot control his eye, ear or nose, but he can his mouth, hand and foot." -- Leone Levi "One word Frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love." -- Sophocles (496 BC - 406 BC) "I have a theory that the truth is never told during the 9-to-5 hours." -- Hunter S. Thompson "We forfeit 3/4 of ourselves in order to be like other people." -- Arthur Schopenhauer "My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years." -- Cathy Ladman "URLs are the 800 numbers of the 1990's." --Chris Clark "I am a little concerned that some of the measures that are proposed may simply increase the number of consultants who are telling businesses what they already know." -Alasdair Morgan, speaking to The Scottish Parliament "Fall seven times, stand up eight." -- Japanese Proverb