First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needin' ". After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder. Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing. Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole damm thing. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Quotes from Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, the Iraqi ex-minister of information. "Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly." "We have them surrounded in their tanks" "I speak better English than this villain Bush" "I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly." "The situation is excellent, they are going to try to approach Baghdad...and I believe their grave will be there." "Now even the American command is under siege. We are hitting it from the north, east, south and west. We chase them here and they chase us there. But at the end we are the people who are laying siege to them. And it is not them who are besieging us." "They are trying to fool you. They are showing any old pictures of buildings. They even went into the VIP section of the airport, just because Saddam Hussein may have sat in such and such a chair or slept in such and such a bed" "Yes, the American troops have advanced further. This will only make it easier for us to defeat them" "We will slaughter them, Bush Jr. and his international gang of bastards!" "The United Nations....[is] a place for prostitution under the feet of Americans." "...they are nowhere (pause)...they are nowhere, really" "They think we are retarded - they are retarded." "Bush is a very stupid man. The American people are not stupid, they are very clever. I can't understand how such clever people came to elect such a stupid president." "You can go and visit those places. Nothing there, nothing at all. There are Iraqi checkpoints. Everything is okay." "After we finish defeating all of those animals we will disclose that with facts and figures." http://welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com/ (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?" (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) We were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course. Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing-persons case. "She gave eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body," the teacher said. "In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now what would you call that kind of person?" While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff's officer taking the course raised his hand and replied, "A suspect." (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) "What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late?" complained an irate passenger to the railroad engineer. "How would we know the trains were late, if we didn't have a schedule?" replied the engineer. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the counter looked kind of harassed. After I gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs. Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for you." With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and handed it back to me. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I tried to call you the other day from a pay phone, but I put in my donor card instead of my calling card. Cost me an arm and a leg . . . (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) "A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conver- sationalist is one who talks to you about yourself." --Lisa Kirk (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) "I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. They got one marked 'brightness' but it doesn't work." --Gallagher (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." -Rich Cook (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Attachments: E-age cartoons.