Doctor, you've got to help me. I'm always talking to myself." "Now, Dary," he replied, "that's not too serious, lots of people these days talk to themselves. Albert Einstein talked to himself, too." "Yes . . ." he whined, "but I'm such a bore!" ********************************************************** A woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man answers, "Yes, do you have the energy?" ********************************************************** 'Things a man needs to hear from the woman in his life' a top ten list. Of course, in no particular order... 1. "I'm sorry." One of the most important things I learned to say to my wife. 2. "I sent the kids to my mothers house for the night, wanna play twister?" 3. The one thing I'd like to hear from a women occasionally is the sound of silence! 4. "Let me pay tonight." 5. "Can I get you another beer?" 6. "I put air in the tires and checked the oil." 7. "I don't need any new clothes. Go ahead and buy that new $400 fishing rod and plan that fishing trip with the guys." 8. "I admire you, I'm proud of you." 9. "I really appreciate it when you go to the grocery store for me." 10. "Yes." ********************************************************** The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand. "And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn't you feel any qualms? Didn't you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?" "Yes," she answered. "Come to thik of it...there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him." "And, when was that?" "When he asked for the second cup." ********************************************************** Smith was seated comfortably in his living room one evening when a rock crashed through the window and landed at his feet, amidst a shower of splintered glass. To the rock was attached a note: "Unless you pay us $10,000 according to instructions, we will kidnap your wife." After some thought, he sat down at his desk and penned a reply: "Gentlemen: Your rock of this date has been received. I don't have $10,000 at this time. However, keep in touch, as your proposition interests me. J. Smith" ********************************************************** A Texan, trying to impress a Boston native with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, says... "Why, I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston." "Humpf! Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian. "Paul Revere?!" said the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for help?" ********************************************************** The Clock A well off young man was moving from one street to another, a few streets away. Observing with dismay the care-free way in which the moving crew yanked his cherished antiques about, he was filled with a desire to save from possible damages a tall grandfather's clock which he prized highly. Taking the clock in his arms he started for the new house. But the clock was as tall as its owner, and heavy besides, and he had to put it down every few feet and rest his arms and mop his streaming brow. Then he would clutch his burden and stagger on again. After half an hour of these strenuous exertions he was nearing his destination, when an intoxicated person who had been watching his labors from the opposite side of the road took advantage of a halt to hail him. "Mister," he said thickly, "could I ash you a quest'n?" "What is it?" demanded the exhausted young man. "Why on earth don't you carry a watch?" ********************************************************** A New York judge is ready to go through the day's business and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payos, the works. The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk: "Quick...get me a translator." Translator shows up and the judge says: "Ask him what his name is, how old is he and where does he come from?" The translator says: "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?" The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with a British accent: "Your Honour. My name is Sir Chaim Ginsburg. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I've come from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at Oxford University." The translator turns to the judge and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford." ********************************************************** How To Shower Like a Woman: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like a Man: Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. ********************************************************** Engineering classes at the University of Maryland are tough, and struggling students sometimes go to extremes in order to pass. Grading exams one semester, I got to this question: "What is the relationship between kinetic and potential energy?" One student, obviously stumped, decided to get clever and wrote, "As far as I know, they're just friends, but there could be something else going on there." [Reader's Digest.] ********************************************************** "Do you remember first meeting your wife?" "Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I'd never allow her near the gutter again." "Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her." "Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling." ********************************************************** "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." -- Paula Poundstone "It is bad luck to be superstitious." --Andrew W. Mathis "As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it." --Sam Ewing "Here's some other music business news. Eminem and 50 Cent will co-headline the "Anger Management" tour this summer. The two-month tour will start in Indianapolis and end in prison." --Craig Ferguson "There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they'd eventually come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know this isn't true." --Ian Hart "My father would say things that made no sense at all, like, 'If I were the last person on earth, some moron would turn left in front of me.'" -Louie Anderson "President Bush is combining first lady Laura Bush's campaign for literacy with his war on drugs. It's a new program he calls, "Just spell 'no.'" --Jay Leno "I had the worst study habits in the history of college, until I found out what I was doing wrong -- highlighting with a black magic marker." -Jeff Altman "Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat." --Alex Levine