A client recently brought her two cats in to my husband's veterinary clinic for their annual checkup. One was a small-framed, round tiger-striped tabby, while the other was a long, sleek black cat. She watched closely as I put each on the scale. "They weigh about the same," I told her. "That proves it!" she exclaimed. "Black does make you look slimmer. And stripes make you look fat." [Borrowed from Reader's Digest.] $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta, who has ever lived in Atlanta, has visited Atlanta, ever plans to visit Atlanta, knows anyone who lives in Atlanta, knows anyone who has ever visited Atlanta or anyone who has ever heard of Atlanta, Georgia. Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with Peachtree Circle, Peachtree Place, Peachtree Lane, Peachtree Road, Peachtree Parkway, Peachtree Run, Peachtree Trace, Peachtree Ave, Peachtree Commons Peachtree Battle, Peachtree Corners, New Peachtree, Old Peachtree, West Peachtree, Peachtree-Dunwoody, Peachtree-Chamblee, or Peachtree Industrial Boulevard. Atlantians only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directions they will always send you down Peachtree. The fall a of raindrop makes everyone forget all traffic rules. If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days, and it's on all the TV channels and radio stations as a news flash every 15 minutes for a month. All the grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer. If there is a remote chance of snow, and if it does snow, people will be on the corner selling "I survived the blizzard" tee-shirts, not to mention the fact that all schools will close at the slightest possible chance of snow. The pollen count is off the national scale for unhealthy, which starts at 120 Atlanta is usually in the 2,000 to 4,000 range. All roads, vehicles, houses - everything - is yellow from March 28th to July 15th. If you have any allergies, you will die. But other than that, it's a great place to live! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was probably having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and that this would reflect badly on the whole family, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He recommended that she arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. That evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about her visit to the doctor and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying: "Oh Mom!?You don't have to worry about that!?I'm dating Susan!" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Tax Humors Every year around April 15 Americans have a rendezvous with debt. Capital Punishment: Congress comes up with a new tax. Drive carefully. Uncle Sam needs every taxpayer he can get. The rich and the poor are alike. They both complain about taxes. A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until income tax time. Nothing makes a person more modest about their income than to fill out a tax form. The income tax forms have been simplified beyond all understanding. The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf. Dependent - the government. By the time you finish paying all your taxes, about all you have left is a receipt. Patriotism will probably never develop to the point of parading in honor of the "unknown taxpayer." Another American invention is the permanent temporary tax. No enemy nation could risk invading the United States. It couldn't afford the high taxes. We wouldn't mind this "pay-as-you-go" tax so much if we knew what we were paying for and where it was going. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children." As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable." Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable." As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "I've never seen a group of women fight so viciously and despise each other like this group." --DONALD TRUMP discussing the women conteestants in "The Apprentice," quoted in the New York Daily News. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "He is a pious Muslim with short hairs and short cuts. He believes that if he keeps a Koran on his desk, hires some Jewish to show peace, fasts a few times a year when he forgot his lunches, Allah will grant him all the money he wants." -- Anon $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead." - Anon $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose." -- Robin Williams