Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her." "Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her." "Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, sonny, we're gonna get us a free haircut!'" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH On a wall near the Pentagon, some one wrote a famous quote from General Douglas MacArthur "Old Soldiers Never Die." Another person follows with note: "Those who died were new soldiers." Sign posted in the Army recruiting office: "Marry a veteran, Girls. He can cook, make beds, sew, and is already used to taking orders." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH There are two kinds of home-repair projects: those too big to undertake yourself and those too small to bother with. The first kind, you can't afford, and the second kind, if left alone long enough, will develop into something you can't afford either. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH While working as a television news camerman, I arrived at an accident scene, and a cameraman from another station pulled up behind me. As I parked the news cruiser, I heard a policeman on the scanner using the radio phonetic alphabet to alert other officers. "Be aware that the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha has arrived," he said. I approached the officer, looked him in the eye and said, "You might be surprised to know that some of us in the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha can Sierra Papa Echo Lima Lima." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions... The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist." The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... Double Income, No Kids Yet." The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker" They turn to a woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies: " I'm a W.I.F.E., you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH At the White House press conference: "President Bush, do you have any proof that Iraq posesses the weapons of mass destruction?" "Yes, we saved the sales receipts." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH True story, I guess inspired by the movie "Catch Me If You Can," two men in Hickory, North Carolina are being sought after for passing a counterfeit company payroll check in the amount of $498.00 What's REALLY stupid about these two guys is that they misspelled the name of the company: IBM. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH The president of a large corporation announced in his directors meeting, "All those who are opposed to the plan I have just proposed please reply by saying, 'I resign'." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true." --James Branch Cabell HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Attachment: Photos of Day Lily (Golden Needle) from Taiwan.