Two women were at a bar. One said, "You know, eighty percent of all men think the best way to end a fight is to make love." "Well," said the other, "that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was the interval at the Opera when Mrs. Sternberg rose from her seat and called: "Is there a doctor in the house? Is there a doctor in the house?!" A man in a tuxedo pushed his way towards her. "I'm a doctor" he said. "Oh, doctor," she said, "Have I got just the loveliest daughter for you...." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Something harder I really don't know how the quarrel started. When I walked into the kitchen, my wife was trying to hammer a nail using the back of a scrub brush. All I said was, "Darling, you're going to need something harder than a scrub brush to hammer that nail. You've got to use your head!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [] LAW OF QUEUE : If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. LAW OF TELEPHONE : When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one. LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. LAW OF THE WORKSHOP : Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. LAW OF THE ALIBI : If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. BATH THEOREM : As soon as the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings. LAW OF ENCOUNTERS : The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. LAW OF THE RESULT : When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will! LAW OF BIOMECHANICS : The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last. LAW OF COFFEE : As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hearing aid Two elderly neighbors were talking the other day and one said to the other. "Hey I just bought a new hearing aid the other day, best hearing aid I've ever had, thing cost over 4,000 dollars." "Great! What kind is it?" "About 12:30" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lawyer: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? Witness: I refuse to answer that question. Lawyer: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? Witness: I refuse to answer that question. Lawyer: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? Witness: No. [Actual Courtroom testimony] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar." "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off." "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop." "Really? You got a new laptop?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example," he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?" The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well." "Why is that?" Asked the professor. "For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be way too old!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!" I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was. "Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four..." "Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?" The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LIFE IS ALL ABOUT ASS; YOU'RE EITHER COVERING IT, LAUGHING IT OFF KICKING IT, KISSING IT, BUSTING IT, TRYING TO GET A PIECE OF IT, BEHAVING LIKE ONE, OR YOU LIVE WITH ONE!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day a wife was in the kitchen making boiled eggs for breakfast and her husband walked in. "Whats for breakfast" he asks? His wife turns and says, "You have to make love to me this very moment" Thinking it was his lucky day, he puts her over the kitchen table and goes to town. Afterwards when she is pulling the eggs out of the water he says, "What was that all about?" She just looks over her shoulder and says; "Oh, not much...The egg timer is broken" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [[Laboratory Rabbit Freedom Tale]] A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. 'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? 'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked. 'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.' This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?' 'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.' The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We poke them. Go and try it.' Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. 'That was fantastic,' he panted. 'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked. 'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.' The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.' 'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The teacher, brought a Venus statue in class and asks "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert. "The craftsmanship," says Robert. "Very good. And you, Peter?" "Her breasts!" says Peter. "Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust. "And you, Johnny?" "I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in- law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle .. and He just then did!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [[Quotes: Think, think, think]] "I think, therefore I am. I think." -- George Carlin "It is what a man thinks of himself that really determines his fate." -- Henry David Thoreau "I'm a doer not a thinker, and writing this book requires a lot of thinking." -- actess Bo Derek "Thinking is the greatest torture in the world for most people." -- Anon "Mediocrity has no greater consolation than in the thought that genius is not immortal." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe "The only place where your dream becomes impossible is in your own thinking." -- Robert H. Schuller "God grant me the courage not to give up what I think is right even though I think it is hopeless." -- Chester W. Nimitz "It must be remembered that the purpose of education is not to fill the minds of students with facts…it is to teach them to think." -- Wolfdyke Robert M. Hutchins "The common person fears to think beyond the common." -- Bryant H. McGill "The mind is everything. What you think you become." -- Buddha "Don't ever give up on something or someone that you can't go a full day without thinking about." -- Anon A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be." -- Albert Einstein quotes "Love is two minds without a single thought." -- Philip Barry "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." -- Mark Twain "Great minds think alike." -- Proverb