After speaking for more than three hours without pause, the eminent scholar finally looked up from the podium and apologized for going on so long. "You see, I haven't got a watch with me," he tried to explain. "Fine," shouted a heckler, "But there's a calendar on the wall." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you hear the one about the guy who invented the door knocker? He won the 'No Bell' prize. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapis.'' A student asked, ''What gender is computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computador''), because : 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Questions & Answers] Q: What will Postman Pat be called when he retires? A: Pat Q: What's got four legs and an arm? A: A rottweiler. Q: What do you call bears with no ears? A: B. Q : What is the definition of Confidence? A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the bum and say, "You're next!" Q. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word? A. Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!" Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died. "You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie, still crying, said "What would God want with a dead dog?" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! An acquaintance of mine asked me if she can install a spy camera on her notebook computer. If someone stole it, she would be able to see who did it without the thief knowing it. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a coworker in the hospital. "How are things at the office going, Claudia ?" she asked. "Well, they're all sharing your work. Jody is making the coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Sharon is making it with the Boss." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pfizer Corp. (NYSE: PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE: PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do". Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests, "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jack hadn't been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting, saying, "You look like Helen Brown." "Well," the woman snapped back, "you don't look so great in blue either!" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence." Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?" Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [[ Quotes: Opions ]] "Racism is so stupid. There's more than enough reasons to dislike people on an individual basis." -- Will Durst "Never judge a man's actions until you know his motives" -- Anonymous "None are more unjust in their judgments of others than those who have a high opinion of themselves." -- Charles H. Spurgeon "It's only arrogance if you're wrong" -- Anonymous "Opinion is the medium between knowledge and ignorance." -- Plato "We view things not only from different sides, but with different eyes; we have no wish to find them alike." -- Blaise Pascal "Opinion has caused more trouble on this little earth than plagues or earthquakes" -- Voltaire