Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world, we can see why American have not adopted it: Put your best .3 of a meter forward. Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child. A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers. Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure. Give a man 2.54 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers. Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX More Church Announcements Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX As a concierge at a US posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE. There are some questions about things we should have seen. How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder than you think--it just shows you how little we pay attention to the common place things of life. Put your thinking (guessing) caps on. 1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom? 2. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch? 3. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them? 4. When you walk does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg? 5. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clock- wise? 6. Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on? 7. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side? 8. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 9. There are 12 buttons on a touch-tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits? 10. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise? Don't look at answers below until you finish all the questions! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I thought these might be instructional: SOCIALIST FOOTBALL: After you score, the state takes half your points and redistributes them to the opposing team. COMMUNIST FOOTBALL: After you score, the state takes away all your points and gives you back what the Central Bureau of Points designates as appropriate (according to your needs). NAZI FOOTBALL: After you score, the state takes away all your points and shoots your team. BUREAUCRATIC FOOTBALL: After you score, a tax of 80% will be imposed on the points. 10% of your points will be given to the scoring disadvantaged, 10% of the points will be given to the opposing team as an incentive "not to score," while 60% of the points will be used by the state for administration. CAPITALIST FOOTBALL: The Super Bowl -- Winner Take All XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX A man driving in Southern Indiana, heading for Kentucky, saw a sign that read: "LAST CHANCE FOR $1.55 GAS!!!" He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank cheap. As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "So, how much IS gas in Kentucky?" The man replied, "A buck and a quarter (1 1/4)." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Everyone knows Murphy's Law: "Anything that can go wrong, will..." - Here are some other Laws you may not have heard! Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool or parts, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Lowery's Law of Home Repair: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway Beach's Law: Interchangeable parts aren't. William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. Lane's Law of Supply and Demand: The one item you need is always in short supply. Norman Einstein's Law: If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. Col. Murphy's Law of Combat: Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero. Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then a = b a^2 = ab a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2 (a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b) a + b = b a = 0 Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b, which mean that 2 = 1. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX * * * Answers * * * 1. Bottom 2. Right 3. 1, 0 4. Right 5. Counter (north of the equator) 6. Left 7. Left 8. 6 9. *, # 10. Counter XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Theodore came home from a long business trip and fell onto the sofa without saying a word to his wife. She came over to see what was bothering him. He said, "I ran into Mary - you remember my ex-wife? - and she dumped a bottle of ketchup all over me." "Well," said his wife, "I'll just let you rest, then. I can see you're ex-sauced, Ted." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I think short people tend to be optimists because they can only see the part of the glass that is half full, not the half empty part. -- Unknown XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say so far, no change." --Jay Leno XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." --Dave Barry XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "If you can't tell me what you'd like to be happening, you don't have a problem yet. You're just complaining. A problem only exists if there is a difference between what is actually happening and what you desire to be happening. " -- Ken Blanchard The One Minute Manager XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "A little lemon and seltzer will remove those pesky ink stains after you've been fingerprinted. " - Martha Stewart XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX The results of 2004 Pulitzer prize winners have been announced. It is not a joke. Check those excellent news reports at http://www.pulitzer.org/ XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Attachment: Your cotton cakes (Thanks to Ho-Ting)