A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant in New York noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said "Chopsticks were provided only on request." "But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons disposable chop- sticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks." "True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess." ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ A junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains. Neither one could account for his trouble. Arriving home from work one night, he informed her. "I finally discovered why I've been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I've been sitting in the wastebasket." ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Analogies & Metaphors found in High School Essays Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. -Chuck Smith, Woodbridge Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. -Unknown His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. Chuck Smith, Woodbridge He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. Joseph Romm, Washington She caught his eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door shut. Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. Russell Beland, Springfield McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. -Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. -Russell Beland, Springfield He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. -Jack Bross, Chevy Chase The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. -Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring John and Mary had never met, kinda like two hummingbirds who had also never met. -Russell Beland, Springfield The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. -Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. -Unknown ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ So many of my male friends are unsuccessful with women. They all share one common trait. They are way too cool. Trying to impress potential women, they worry far too much about playing it cool and end up just being boring. I, on the other hand, have always had a wacky sense of humor and have noticed that women really seem to respond. There are definitely times when you should play it cool, but sometimes doing something crazy or saying something silly can really get you somewhere. Some examples: #1 My last date I just happened to have a Hula-Hoop in the car. When I picked her up she asked, "What's that?" I just said "We'll get to that later." So when I dropped her off I said "Wait a minute, we forgot to Hula." So there we were in her driveway at 12:30 pm, Hula-Hooping and laughing our heads off. When the neighbor's light came on she invited me inside to continue. #2 At a summer barbecue there was this real hotty who was getting hit on like crazy. She was also shooting everyone down. When I approached I felt her forcefield go up instantly. I hadn't even had a chance to hit on her. We began with some small talk and when I asked about her work she explained that it wasn't going very well and she was actually quite broke. I responded by saying "Why don't you try Stripping." She looked at me as though I was crazy and then started cracking up laughing. I guess she figured if I would say something that stupid then I obviously wasn't trying to pick her up. Her guard went down and we talked for almost an hour. All the while my buddies were watching and wondering how I did it. It obviously has its place, but I think that being silly now and again shows that you just don't give a damn and you aren't just this smooth guy trying to pick up the babes. You are just there to have fun, and who can resist that! Slick ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin, it's only a mistake." ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ I got my new computers from Dell a week ago. While I think I'm above average in the computer smarts department, there was a couple of things that needed some serious tweaking as far as network settings. So I had to call tech support. What a mistake that was. Not so much that the fella I got ahold of didn't know what he was talking about. I guess he did. It was me that didn't understand half of what he was saying. I said, "Sir, how about this. Why not explain what I should do as if I were a small child." He said, "Ok. Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?" ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done. As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place. The two men said that would cost an additional $45 service fee, stating it was not in their contract. I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van. I told them my fee: $45. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ When the English Playwright Oscar Wilde arrived at his club lat at night after witnessing the first presentation of a play that had been a complete failure, someone asked. "How did your play go tonight, Oscar? "Oh," said Wilde, "the play was a great success. The audience was a failure." ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one of these immigration / visitation cards to fill out. After the standard questions, like name, nationality, passport number, etc., he got to a question that asked, "Have you ever been imprisoned?" He pondered it for a minute, then wrote down, "I didn't realize this was still a requirement." ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ "I asked this one girl out and she said, 'You got a friend?' I said yes, she said, 'Then go out with him'" --Dom Irrera ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ "When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm not afraid of small children." --Jonathan Katz ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ "In California, a speech teacher is in a lot of trouble for encouraging her students to oppose the war with Iraq. The principal was furious and said telling kids to oppose the war is the French teacher's job." --Conan O'Brien ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ "The only exercise program that has ever worked for me is occasionally getting up in the morning and jogging my memory to remind myself exactly how much I hate to exercise." --Dennis Miller ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ "We're fishing and my wife had a problem with killing the fish. I wasn't exactly crazy with that part either, but I figured, if we just wait for them to die naturally, it could take forever. Certainly till after supper." --Paul Reiser ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ "Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some people abuse the privilege." --Unknown ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Attachments: Some fun photos from around the world