Lessons in Customer Support (if restaurants function like Microsoft) : Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup? Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now. [Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.] Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup. Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. [Waiter leaves.] Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup! ---------- The cheque: Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50 Delivery charge . . . . . . . . . . . $ 4.95 Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00 Editors Note: Bug in the soup... included at no extra charge (will be fixed with Tomorrow's soup of the day) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^0^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ One semester when my brother, Pete, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Pete's portrait for a class assign- ment. Pete agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus. The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were all incorrect. "The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too narrow, and the neck is way too long." The next day, the art student brought Pete to see the pro- fessor. He took one look at my brother and said, "Okay, A minus." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^0^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a yearlong research project in India. One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^0^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Joe came home from the office and found his wife Jill sob- bing. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers." "Forget it," consoled Joe. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit." "Yes, and it's lucky you have," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^0^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you." "I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^0^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ The Secretary of the Navy was inspecting a recently launched carrier. The entire 3,000 plus crew stood at attention. "I suppose," said the Secretary jokingly to the carrier's captain, "you know the name of every man on the ship." "I think I do," was the captain's unexpected reply. "A'ha," smiled the Secretary. "What's the name of that man?" he asked, pointing to a sailor standing two rows away. "That's William Jones," replied the captain. The Secretary walked over and addressed the seaman himself. "And what's your name, sailor?" he asked. "William Jones, sir," replied Seaman Abernathysis. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^0^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. "Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons." "Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair." "I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^0^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband looked over at his wife and said, "How come you never make love to me like that?" "Are you kidding me?? Do you have any idea how much they pay those people to do that??" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^0^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ "My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tomb- stone: What are you looking at?" --Margaret Smith ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^0^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ "If you're given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal." --Katharine Hepburn