The Ten Commandments of Love I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me. II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back. III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else. IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too darned weird. V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee. VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what's good for thee. VII. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone. VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends. IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's house. X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx When a person assisted a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal get arrested, we call him an an accomplice. When a person assisted a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal get arrested, we call him an a lawyer. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Years ago we'd been on the road for several hours. After an exhausting day I started to look for a place to spend the night. At four different motels, though, we were told, "Sorry, no vacancies." Heading back to the car, then-seven-year-old Spud asked, "Dad, are we 'vacancies'?" xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Howard Stern: What is the center of our solar system? Julie Cialini (1995 Playboy Playmate of the year): The equator. Stacy Sanches (1996 Playboy Playmate of the year): The moon. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Lisa, my co-worker at the travel agency, needed to send a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug out the letter I'd written then. "All you have to do," I told her, "is to change the details, the date, and the name." She looked it over and smiled wryly. "We won't even need to change the name." xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Many people hold down two jobs, so I wasn't surprised when my hairdresser mentioned to me that he also worked part-time at the race track. "That's interesting," I said. "What do you do?" As he finished styling my hair, he replied, "I groom horses." xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Marrying a man is like buying something you have been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx April teaches many aerobic classes. She told a lady who was looking to sign up for the class to just wear loose fitting clothing to the class. "Honey," the lady replied, "if I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't be signing up for an exercise class." xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times. He began what can only be called a "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house. The plan was successful too -- the young lady fell in love with the UPS man. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!" xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx In my job as an electronics salesman, I've seen the rise in popularity of sport-utility vehicles and minivans, which has created a market for rear-seat entertainment. Monitors that keep passengers occupied with movies and television have been selling like crazy. One day as I was showing a young couple how a monitor could play videos, DVD's, and even pick up local TV stations, the husband asked matter-of-factly, "Does it get cable?" xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "Now, class," the professor of economics asked, "Can someone give me an example of an 'unremunerative outlay of capital?" Jon raised his hand and the professor called on him. "Yes, I can. How about taking one's sister out to dinner and a movie?" xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and out number them?" xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "Because we live in the modern age, women now have choices that are just killing them. "They can have a job, not have a job. They can be married or unmarried, married with children, unmarried with children, married with children and a job, unmarried with children and a job, unmarried with children and no job, unmarried with children who themselves have jobs, have a job and an au pair who has children, marry the au pair, have the au pair have their children, etc... "Men, unfortunately, have the same choice we've always had: we can work or we can go to jail." --Tim Allen xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "A Pennsylvania woman convicted of shoplifting was sentenced to wear a badge that reads 'Convicted Shoplifter'. However, her laywers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading "I'd Rather Be Stealing". -- Jimmy Fallon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "Widespread caffeine use explains a lot about the twentieth century. " -- Greg Egan xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "No matter how low your own self-esteem, there are probably others who think less of you." -- David S. Brown xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "The only way to prove that you're a good sport is to lose." -- Ernie Banks xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind." -- Mohandas Gandhi