Two goats are chewing used movie film on the back lot of a movie studio. One says, "This stuff is pretty good." The other answers, "Not as good as the book." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion. When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johhny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating... "If I can't eat, I won't pay!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Life Insurance Agent: Don't let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Think About It! * Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places. * Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it. * Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors. * Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. * The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do. * Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. * Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were. * A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on. * Cash isn't everything....there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks. * The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested, then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought:"Ok.I'll let him pass, there's no hurry. Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stoped him:"What's going on out there?" it asked. "Why, there's a party going on!! It's great! They're having the most fun!!" the whiskey replied. And pizza said: "Great, I'll go check it out!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A New Yorker was ready to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge to end his life. A Texas tourist was near by. Concerned about the man's fate, the Texan immediately started thinking of things he could tell the man so that he would want to live and would not jump. "Remember your wife," yelled the Texan. "She divorced me," said the man. "Remember your children," yelled the Texan. "They ran away," said the man. "Remember your parents," yelled the Texan. "They are dead," said the man. "Remember the Alamo," yelled the Texan. "What is the Alamo?" inquired the man. "Jump, you Yankee Scumbutt!" replied the Texan. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Do you watch American Idol? I don't. I know that Simon Cowell, the razor-tongued judge on the show, can be a bit harsh, but I think he's usually on target -- and pretty funny to boot. Here are some of his best zingers: "If you sang like this two thousand years ago, people would have stoned you." "That was extraordinary. Unfortunately, extraordinarily bad." "You don't need a judge -- you need an exorcist." "You sang like someone who sings on a cruise ship ... halfway through I imagined the ship sinking." "You have just invented a new form of torture." "My advice would be: If you want to pursue a career in the music business -- don't." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While traveling in West Virginia a man noticed an old gentleman standing in his front yard with a shovel in his hand wiping the sweat from his brow crying. Concerned, the man stopped and asked him what was wrong. "I just got finished burying Old Blue. The best old coon dog I ever had" he sobbed. Looking around at 6 holes dug the man asked him why he had to dig 6 holes to bury one dog. He said, "Boy, don't you know nuthin'? The first 5 holes were too small." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband. When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs. "I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit per- fectly around his neck." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 30,000+ Hawaiians once signed a petition to change Maui's name... to Gilligan's Island. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting. When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!" "I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean the house." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In search of a new shower for our home, my wife and I went to a bathroom-supply store. We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman. Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion and made plans to come back the next day to make our final decision. Later that evening, my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same young lady from the bathroom-supply store was now working a shift as a waitress. As she passed our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a loud voice, "HEY! You're the man who needs a shower!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [] "While modernistic art may or may not be valuable, it is undeniably fashionable in the U. S., and this is due in no small measure to the increasing publicity and support given it by U. S. art critics." -- From "Sterile Modernism" Mar. 10, 1930 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Harvard University sponsors were surprised some years ago when they arranged an exhibition of Sandy Calder's work, sent a truck to carry the statues to the exhibition hall and found no one at the station but Sculptor Calder with a pair of pliers in his pocket, a roll of wire over his shoulder." -- From Stabiles and Mobiles Mar. 1, 1937 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Flying like a shuttlecock between the esthetic debaters of two continents, the very name of Picasso has been a symbol of irresponsibility to the old, of audacity to the young." -- From Art's Acrobat Feb. 13, 1939 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Willem de Kooning is the sort of painter who gives most people a pain: superficially his pictures look like scribbles any kid could do." -- From Willem the Walloper Apr. 30, 1951 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Advance-guard painting in America is hell-bent for outer space. It has rocketed right out of the realms of common sense and common experience. That does not necessarily make it bad." -- From The Wild Ones Feb. 20, 1956 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Lichtenstein's first pop paintings were derided as belonging to the 'King Features school,' and a bad joke. Today, it's all the way to the bank." -- From Kidding Everybody Jun. 23, 1967 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Today Abstract Expressionists enjoy the status, both esthetic and financial, of old masters. And like old masters, they have been declared dead by the brashest of the avantgarde. But they changed the course of art. Whether for better or worse is arguable; that they did, is incontestable." -- From The New Ancestors Jun. 27, 1969 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The hard lesson of the past decade is that liquidity, to many people, may be all that art means. The art market has become the faithful cultural reflection of the wider economy in the '80s, inflated by leveraged buyouts, massive junk-bond issues and vast infusions of credit." -- From Sold! By Robert Hughes Nov. 27, 19889 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Because contemporary art was the most inflated area of speculation, one may assume that for certain artists of the '80s, no bottom is yet in sight. But anyone who thinks the market decline will instantly produce saner relations between art and the public ought to think again." -- From The Great Massacre of 1990 By Roberrt Hughes Dec. 3, 1990 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "If Picasso was the artistic Prometheus of the century, then Pop artist Andy Warhol was its Pan. Pop is the realm where American art gave up its spiritual reach in exchange for the bounty of commerce." -- From Publicist, Prankster, Parvenu By Steven Henry Madoff Jun. 8, 1998 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "It might not seem like a good thing to re-emerge as the original media whore, but there's no denying Dali's role in making showmanship an art-world career tactic." -- From Dali Goes to Rehab By Richard Lacayyo Feb. 21, 2005