Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take 10 yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old lady standing beside her. "Grandma is paying for it," she smiled. =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ When I arrived home, I discovered my roommate, Heather, quite shaken. She had stapled an electric cord under the cabinet, with the cord plugged in, and had received quite a shock. I told her that her story was about as dangerous a stunt as any I had heard, except for that day's report on the radio about a woman who had put a bag of garbage on her stove so the cat wouldn't get at it, and the bag had caught fire. Heather was silent but had a strange look on her face. "That was my sister," she said. =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ "Why I didn't listen to Mother, I'll never know!" screamed Mrs. Shooter. "She told me not to marry you!" Mr. Shooter put down the book he was about to throw. "Your mother said that?" "She did!" "Darn," Shooter said. "How I've misjudged that woman all these years!" =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Coat hanger One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found. John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, Carey stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at LAX, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation. He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?" I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies." There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies?" "Yes," I admitted. "Consistently?" he queried admiringly. "Every hole," I confessed. =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ While making her rounds, the Head Nurse noticed a young female patient missing. Pressing the intercom, she said "Lori, where's the patient in 340?" "Oh!" came the reply. "Well... she was complaining of severe chills, so I put her in bed with Mr. Johnson in 328 who was running that high fever." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ I had received an emergency call one evening to assist a cow that was having trouble calving. The calf was coming backward and upside down. I corrected the problem and a healthy heifer calf was delivered. "That was unusual," I told the farmer. "It's not too uncommon to have them coming backward, or upside down, but both together is unusual." "I hope I'm not in for a lot of trouble, then," he said to me. "All 12 of my cows were bred by the same bull." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual??" "Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ...because he hated the book!" =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ General Motors has just come out with a pill to stop car sickness. They've named it CHEVROLAIDS. =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ At the doctor's office Doctor, "You'll live to be 85!" Patient, "I AM 85!" Doctor, "See! What did I tell you?" =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ I bought a self-help video, "How to Handle Disappointment." When I got it home, the box was empty. =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Kuttappan was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Kuttappan, how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Kuttappan and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts,"Kuttapan! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Kuttappan's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Kuttappan that he thinks Kuttap pan's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else", Kuttappan says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Kuttappan says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. In Washington, Clinton gave Kuttappan and his boss great recpetion at the White House. The boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Kuttappan who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Kuttappan. So off they fly to Rome. Kuttappan and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Kuttappan says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." So he disappears into the crowd, headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Kuttappan emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Kuttappan returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Kuttappan asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "WHO'S THAT ON THE BALCONY WITH KUTTAPAN???" [Thanks to Daphnie] =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ How to Hunt Elephants -- Sales Style Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray and sell them as "desktop elephants." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking....... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?" =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Little Johnny was late for school. When he finally got there his teacher asked, "Why are you late little Johnny?" Johnny replied, "My grandpa got burnt, Miss." The teacher replied, "I hope it wasn't too bad." Then little Johnny said, "Don't worry, the crematorium doesn't muck around long!" =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ A C-130 cargo plane was en route on a mission when an F-16 pilot flew up next to him. The fighter pilot told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" He went into a Barrel roll, followed by a steep climb, then finished with dive and a sonic boom when he reached the speed of sound. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought. The C-130 pilot responded "that was impressive, but watch this." The C-130 droned along for about 15 minutes, then the pilot came back on and said "What did you think about that?" The F-16 pilot said, "That wasn't very impressive, what did you do?" The C-130 pilot responded "I went to the back and made some toast, brewed up some coffee, drank it, and took a piss." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ SUAVE NATURALS BODY SCRUB Cost less than more expensive brands [[[ I Cannot argue with that! ]]