When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes. "If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldn't have these problems," I said in the memo. One customer responded with "What kind of shampoo do you recommend?" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ A friend of mine is something of a painter...so I asked him if he could paint a melting clock in a surreal landscape. The time on the clock had to be 4:51. He was suspicious, of course, and asked me what I wanted to call it? I told him and, as I'd hoped, he repeated it back...not sure he'd heard me right... "Nine to Five by Dahli, pardon?" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special." "How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the eggs home. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ The "Environmental Engineering News" published some rather sobering information about punishment for drunk driving convictions in countries. In Australia, the names of drunk drivers are printed in newspapers under the caption, "He's drunk and in jail." In Malaysia the driver is jailed and, if married, the spouse is jailed. In the United Kingdom, Finland and Sweden there's an automatic jail term of one year. In Turkey, drunk drivers are driven twenty miles out of town and forced to walk back ten miles. In Bulgaria, a second drunk-driving conviction results in capital punishment. In El Salvador, your first offense is your last -- execution by firing squad. -------- In US, if you can afford to pay the booze and the lawyer, you can drive until the day you die. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ One finds the most romantic people at home improvement centers. My son was helping a couple purchase a new door for their home. After he asked what size they needed, the stumped husband yelled clear across the store to his wife in home supplies, "Honey, c'mon over here and see which one of these door you can fit through!" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Instructions on the side of a bottle of eye drops: When applying eye drops, they have shown to be significantly more effective if you remove your glasses before adding one or two drops to each eye. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "I guess I'm sensitive about my hair loss. I think everybody's making fun of it. I went to buy a VCR and the guy said, 'Four Head?' --I punched him in the mouth." --Dan Wilson $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." --Tim Allen $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ If your photo is posted on this page, you are in big big trouble. http://www.fbi.gov/mostwant/topten/fugitives/fugitives.htm