An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after an entire semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. They found his answer consisted of two words: "What chair?" %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Mr Bean Combo BRAIN TUMOUR Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumour. Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy) Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you? Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb? Doctor: Then why are you so happy? Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain! MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL Teacher: What is 5 plus 4? Mr. Bean: 9 Teacher: What is 4 plus 5? Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!! QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE Friend: What are you looking at? Mr. Bean: I know your PIN number, hee, hee. Friend: Alright, what is my PIN number if you saw it? Mr. Bean: Four asterisks! HOW MANY MAN Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry? Mr. Bean: 16 Friend: Why? Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse. CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it OK? Mr. Bean: What do you mean OK, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture. Friend: What tape did you take anyway? Mr. Bean: It says "Head Cleaner". MOM'S DEAD Mr. Bean: (crying) The doctor called, Mom's dead. Friend: Condolence, my friend. After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder. Friend: What now? Mr. Bean: My sister just called, her mom died too! MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure. Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too... I got stuck on the escalator for 3hrs. WHILE IN A DRUG STORE Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson. Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C? Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!! %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% A little son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time the rite of baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize his three cats in the bathtub. The first kitten bore it very well, and so did the young cat, but the old family cat rebelled. It struggled, clawed and tore at him, and got away. With considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded with the ceremony. But she acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit, and scratched his hands and face. Finally, after barely getting her splattered with water, he dropped her on the floor in disgust and said: "Fine, be an Atheist." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does." The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?" She frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Contrary to popular belief, most blondes do indeed know the value of a dollar. The other day a blonde from Atlanta had her car break down. The tow truck driver charged her $65.00 to take the car to the garage less than 10 miles away. When she told her husband that evening, he said that the driver had taken advantage of her. She said, "I thought so. But I made him earn it. I kept the brakes on all the way." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." The boy stared wide eyed and said, "Yes." The father continued, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal. It's called golf." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% It was apparent from my lunch order at the convenience store -- two ounces of chicken and a sugar-free soda -- that I was dieting. The owner commented, "I just purchased an audio cassette that guarantees weight loss if you listen to it regularly. It's subliminal. You hear nothing but ocean waves, and it's supposed to change your eating habits." "How much did you lose?" I asked. "Thirty-five dollars," he said. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% A small survey of some popular European languages: Spanish -- Everything you say makes you sound hungry. Russian -- There are 33 different ways to say, "Comrade, pass the Vodka or I shoot you." French -- Every French sentence carries the implicit connotation that you want to have sex with the person you are talking to. German -- The German word for "hello" is "Echsteinlefahrtengruber". %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "You know the world's gone mad when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance and the Germans don't want to go to war!" %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "I keep both of them on the back of the toilet in the downs- tairs loo. Everyone goes there and then I don't have to bother running upstairs every time someone asks to see OSCAR." --British actress EMMA THOMPSON on where she stashes her statuettes. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off." --Tommy Cooper %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Two Iranians meet in California. One starts to greet the other in Farsi, the language of their native country. The other Iranian waved him away contemptuously and said, "We're in America now. Speak Spanish!" %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "In an interview, Cher claimed that at one point in her life, she was celibate for six straight years. And then she turned seven." --Craig Kilborn