Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes. One day she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes, one of her husband's favorites. "I've finally been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?" @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...." "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now." @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. > You have character lines. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Customer: Can this wool coat be worn in wet weather? Clerk: Madam, have you ever seen a sheep carry an umbrella? @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At the end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have it, he ran into his Rabbi at the airport. The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert you at South Bend?" The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!" @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A blond approaches the edge of a river. On the other side she sees another blonde. The first blond yells, "Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?" The second blond yells back... "What are you talking about? You're ON the other side." @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Yesterday, Texas A&M University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects: 1) Gained weight. 2) Talked excessively without making sense. 3) Became overly emotional. 4) Couldn't drive. 5) Failed to think rationally. 6) Argued over nothing. 7) Had to sit down while urinating. 8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. No further testing was considered necessary @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ An Arab looked out his window and saw his buddy hanging a carpet out of his window. He yelled, "What's the matter, Abdul? Won't it start?" @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel. Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides. "I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?" he asked. "Actually," the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage." @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure thing, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out of the place! The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee!" The waiter says, "Whoa, mister! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck is all this about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day." @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game. And for the third week in a row, it was raining too hard to play. Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now? Bob: Darts? Bill: Nah. Bob: Shoot some pool? Bill: Nah. Bob: Cards? Bill: Nah. Hey, I've got an idea. We can go over to my house and fool around with my wife. Bob: Whadaya mean? Bill: Just what I said. We'll go to my house and we can fool around ith my wife. Bob: What about me? Bill: She's a sport. She won't mind at all. Bob: Well... if you think it's okay... Bill: Sure. C'mon, let's go! [At Bill's house] Bill: Honey, I'm home. Honey. Sweetheart! Damn! She must have gone shopping. Tell ya what, Bob. Let's go to your house! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked: "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?" To which a small voice from the back of the room responded: "The small investor." @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ [[Strange but true US Laws]] It is illegal to fish for whales in any stream, river, or lake in Ohio. A law in Zion, Illinois, prohibits teaching household pets to smoke cigars. According to Kentucky law, women may not appear on the highway in bathing suites unless they carry clubs. In Michigan, a husband legally owns his wife's hair. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover the recent Southern California fires. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled the blazes. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground-level. So he requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved, and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport, where a single-engine plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and after an unusually shaky takeoff, they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer for a national magazine," he responded, "and I need some close-up shots." The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?" @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ << Barely Quotable Quotes >> "The other day I saw this T-shirt that said, 'I'm not gay, but my boyfriend is.' Some people laugh at that, but I didn't think it was funny at all, so I told my girlfriend to take it off." --Arj Barker -------------------- ----------------- ------------ "I don't do anything anymore that feels safe. If it doesn't scare the crap out of you, then you're not doing the right thing." -- SANDRA BULLOCK, now starring in "Miss Coongeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous," on choosing her movie roles. -------------------- ----------------- ------------ "Yesterday Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a 40 minute speech without any notes. When asked what Arnold spoke about, the crowd said 'How the hell should we know?'" --Conan O'Brien -------------------- ----------------- ------------ "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." -- George W. Bush -------------------- ----------------- ------------ "Waffle iron? Why on earth would you want to iron a waffle? Wouldn't that just flatten out all the little squares? no, I believe waffles should be dry cleaned. Pancakes, of course, should always be ironed." --George Carlin -------------------- ----------------- ------------ "Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks. " -- Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks) in movie "Forreest Gump " -------------------- ----------------- ------------ "There are three things I never want to hear again on a first date, 'So...how much cash do you have on you?' 'Wow! You're a big girl!' and 'Wanna hold my gun? It's loaded.'" -- Jennifer Fairbanks -------------------- ----------------- ------------ "What's the first toy a little girl wants? A doll--she's prepared to shop with friends. what's the first toy a little boy wants? A gun--he's prepared for traffic." --Jason Chase -------------------- ----------------- ------------ "English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England" -- Homer Simpson