For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older, You are just getting better." When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom." It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read: "YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM." [[Communication! You get exactly you ask for.]] VWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVW I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes." "Have you seen a doctor?" "No, just spots." VWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVW A psychiatrist who had tired of listening to the assorted troubles and dreams that poured from his consulting couch, rigged up a tape recorder. Explaining to his patients that he could analyze a case better this way, he would turn on the machine, tell the patient to keep talking and quietly slip out for a beer. This worked well for a while, but one day he looked up from his beer to see the patient who was supposed to be upstairs on the couch. "What are you doing here?" asked the doctor. "Well, Doc," said the patient, "I've taped my dreams and stuff for the last couple of days, and now my tape recorder is upstairs talking to your tape recorder." VWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVW [[Vital Statistics - A 'dirty' finding ]] During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine. An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects on average - while you slept! Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket. At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests. Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases. HAVE A GREAT DAY... And WASH your hands!!!!!!!! VWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVW Going to the front desk of New York's exclusive Pierre Hotel, Mr. Mendelbaum requested some stationery. The clerk asked, "Are you a guest at the hotel?" Mr. Mendelbaum snapped indignantly, "No, I am not a guest. I am paying $300 a day!" VWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVW Attorney: so, you were unconscious, and they pulled you from the bucket. What happend then? Witness: Mr. Stewart gave an artificial insemination - you know, mouth-to-mouth. VWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVW Religious Group Bulletin Bloopers 1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your church help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation. 2. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs Abe Weiss. 3. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance. 4. The Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary. 5. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. 6. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you! 7. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan... "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours." VWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVW [[Answering Machine Message]] "Hello, You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility of the United States Air Force. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, title, and target or list of targets. Coordinates are optional but appreciated. we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day." VWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVW Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said; "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father. The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." VWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVW Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the worst answer. In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, " Mrs.Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt." VWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVW A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. I pray that I may join my family." The jouralist asks, "Where is your family?" The old man replys, "In Miami." VWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVW [[ Some reasons why coffee may be better than a girlfriend (or wife) ]] 1. You don’t have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good. 2. Coffee doesn’t complain when you put whipped cream in it. 3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning. 4. You won’t fall asleep after a cup of coffee. 5. You can always warm coffee up. 6. Coffee comes with endless refills. 7. Coffee is cheaper. 8. You won’t get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM. 9. Coffee never runs out. 10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning. 11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents. 12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want. 13. You can smoke while drinking coffee. 14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee. 15. Coffee smells and tastes good. 16. You don’t have to put vinegar in your coffee. 17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel. 18. You can always get fresh coffee. 19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it’ll be hot when you get back. 20. They sell coffee at police stations. 21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee. 22. Coffee goes down easier. 23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn’t put on weight. 24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee. 25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn’t matter. 26. Your coffee doesn’t talk to you. 27. Coffee smells good in the morning. 28. Coffee is good when it’s cold too. 29. Coffee stains are easier to remove. 30. Coffee doesn’t care when you dunk things in it. 31. Coffee doesn’t care what kind of mood you’re in. 32. Coffee doesn’t shed. 33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less. 34. You can’t get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it. 35. Coffee doesn’t mind being ground. 36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better. 37. Coffee doesn’t have a time of the month...it’s good all the time. 38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away. 39. When you have a coffee, you don’t end up with a pube in the back of your throat. 40. Coffee doesn’t take up half your bed. 41. Coffee doesn’t mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup. 42. INSTANT COFFEE! 43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee. 44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold. 45. Your coffee won’t be jealous of a larger cup. VWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVW Old guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his young blonde wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, 7 inch steel heels, and the whole apartment is flooded. "What happened here?" he asks. "I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife. Just then a naked guy floats by. "Who's that?" demands the husband. "I don't know. Must be a lifeguard." VWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVW Psychiatrist's office A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and when asked why he's there, the fellow responds, "Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking in." "Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few basic facts first. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a window washer." VWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVW [[[Quotes related to or about Shakespeare ]]] “There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they'd eventually come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know this isn't true.” -- Ian Hart “Find enough clever things to say, and you're a Prime Minister; write them down and you're a Shakespeare” -- George Bernard Shaw "If there are twelve clowns in a ring, you can jump in the middle and start reciting Shakespeare, but to the audience, you'll just be the thirteenth clown” -- Adam Walinsky “The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.” -- Robert Graves “You go to school, you get a master's degree, you study Shakespeare and you wind up being famous for plastic glasses” -- santiz Sally Jessy Raphael “Playing Shakespeare is so tiring. You never get a chance to sit down unless you're a king.” -- Josephine Hull “Shakespeare is the happy hunting ground of all minds that have lost their balance.” -- James Joyce “Young women... you are, in my opinion, disgracefully ignorant. You have never made a discovery of any sort of importance. You have never shaken an empire or led an army into battle. The plays by Shakespeare are not by you, and you have never introduced a barbarous race to the blessings of civilization. What is your excuse?” -- Virginia Woolf “Now we sit through Shakespeare in order to recognize the quotations” -- Orson Welles “I can't write a book commensurate with Shakespeare, but I can write a book by me.” -- Walter Raleigh, Sr. “I have no interest in Shakespeare and all that British nonsense... I just wanted to get famous and all the rest is hogwash.” -- Anthony Hopkins “Shakespeare was a dramatist of note who lived by writing things to quote.” -- H. C. Bunner “I'll bet Shakespeare compromised himself a lot; anybody who's in the entertainment industry does to some extent” -- Christopher Isherwood “England has two books, one which she has made and one which has made her: Shakespeare and the Bible.” -- Victor Hugo "I'll moider da bum." - Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento, when askked what he thought of William Shakespeare "Did she have a Shakespearean section?" - Toronto Mayor Allan Lamport, on hearing about an aquaintance who just had a baby.