<> The waitress at the upscale restaurant kept starring at the leading man every time she brought him another dinner course. "Say, she finally said, "don't I know you from somewhere?" The leading actor was coy. "Possibly you've seen me in the movies," he replied. "Maybe," she said thoughtfully. "Where do you usually sit?" wewewewewewweweweewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewwewewewewewewe <> Russian general answers questions of his officers: Officer: Will we have to fight in the World War III? General: Yes, the possibility is high. Officer: And who will be our enemy? General: The highest possibility is China. Officer: But we are about 150 million people, and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we win? General: Well, in the modern war not the quantity but the quality is the main issue. For example, in the Middle East 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and usually the Jews win. Officer: Sir, do we have enough Jews? wewewewewewweweweewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewwewewewewewewe <> [[Practical Suggestions]] To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Kia. People who live in glass houses should make love in the living room. Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it. The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single. Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead. If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet. wewewewewewweweweewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewwewewewewewewe <> Two dragons are chasing a knight in armor. Just as they are about to catch him, the first dragon says, "You remembered to bring the barbecue sauce this time, didn't you, Clive?" The second dragon answers, "Yes, and I hope you remembered the can opener!" wewewewewewweweweewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewwewewewewewewe <> [[Brits Greatest Fear Poll Result]] 1. Heights 2. Snakes 3. Spiders 4. Public Speaking Surprise, Toastmasters!!! Public Speaking is rumored to be Number 1 Fear for Americans, but I did not see a proof of that. There are more things to be afraid than opening up your mouth. Touching the door to exit the restroom is our biggest fear according to a new book. Some people are afraid they will have nothing to eat tomorrow, while some are afraid they have nothing to wear for a dinner banquet. Some governments are afraid that other countries are not afraid of them. There are 101 ways to kill a cat, but there are 10001 ways to be afraid. Playing on people's fear seems to be the best way to make money. Comparing incomes of mobs to comedians, you will know what I mean. Be scared, my friend. wewewewewewweweweewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewwewewewewewewe <> My dear friend, a divorcee, never remarried, and her daughter wanted to know why. "The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage and I simply don't want to put up with it," she explained. Taking her mother's hand in hers, my friend's daughter said sweetly, "I hate to break the news to you, Mom, but you're not exactly carry-on yourself." [From Reader's Digest.] wewewewewewweweweewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewwewewewewewewe <> A spaceship lands on Mars, and the astronauts are getting ready to go out when they look out the window and see something really weird. Radioing Earth they yell: "Houston, we've got a problem, there's a bunch of fully-bearded green Martians wearing black clothes, sidecurls and hats out there." "Go out and make contact, find more about them", was the reply. So they did, and when they approached the group one of the astronauts asked: "Do you all dress like that?" "Oh, not at all, reply the Martians, Only the orthodox ones!" wewewewewewweweweewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewwewewewewewewe <> Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive. wewewewewewweweweewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewwewewewewewewe <> The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece,there's a long passage--about 20 minutes-- during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at her watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" she said. No need to panic," said another bass player. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take her a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded." wewewewewewweweweewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewwewewewewewewe <> FINALLY SOMEONE CLEARED THIS UP! For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States. (Sorry, Ashok.) wewewewewewweweweewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewwewewewewewewe <> During a recent business trip to Boeing's Everett, Wash., factory, I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled. Before the engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings to keep the planes balanced. The solid-steel weights were bright yellow and marked, "14,000 lbs." But what I found particularly interesting was some stenciling I discovered on the side of each weight. Imprinted there was the warning: "Remove before flight." wewewewewewweweweewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewwewewewewewewe <> Some professions A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. wewewewewewweweweewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewwewewewewewewe <> Barbie (The doll) has a family name: Roberts. Ken's last name is Carson. Johnny must be his brother. wewewewewewweweweewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewwewewewewewewe <> [[<>]] "The business of America is business. " -- Calvin Coolidge ^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^ "America is a country that doesn't know where it is going but is determined to set a speed record getting there." -- Laurence J. Peter ^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^ "The genius of the American system is that we have created extraordinary results from plain old ordinary people." -- Phil Gramm ^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^ "Power in America today is control of the means of communication." -- Theodore White ^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^ "What the United States does best is to understand itself. What it does worst is understand others." -- Carlos Fuentes ^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^ "Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian." -- Robert Orben ^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^ "By the age of six the average child will have completed the basic American education.... From television, the child will have learned how to pick a lock, commit a fairly elaborate bank holdup, prevent wetness all day long, get the laundry twice as white, and kill people with a variety of sophisticated armaments." -- Anonymous ^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^ "I like America to some extent." --- Michael Moore ^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^ "America did not invent human rights. In a very real sense, it is the other way around. Human rights invented America." -- Jimmy Carter ^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^ "America is a place where Jewish merchants sell Zen love beads to agnostics for Christmas." -- John Burton Brimer ^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^ "Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages" -- Dave Barry ^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^ "America is a land where men govern, but women rule." -- John Mason Brown ^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^ "Americans like fat books and thin women." -- Russell Baker ^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^ "I can't believe we still have the Miss America Pageant. This is America! We're not supposed to judge people based on how they look! We're supposed to judge people based on how much money they make. " -- Overheard at a Republican Convention ^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^ "America's greatest strength, and its greatest weakness, is our belief in second chances, our belief that we can always start over, that things can be made better." -- Anthony Walton ^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^ "The real death of America will come when everyone is alike." -- James T. Ellison ^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^ "If you take advantage of everything America has to offer, there¸ nothing you can't accomplish." -- Geraldine Ferraro