A visitor to New York rushed from the airport into a waiting taxi, trying to keep dry in the heavy downpour. "Can you think of anything worse," grumbled the visitor, "than raining cats and dogs in New York?" "Sure," said the cab driver. "Hailing taxis!" --------------------------------------------------- Every revolutionary idea - in science, politics, art, or whatever - evokes three stages of reaction in a hearer: 1. It is completely impossible - don't waste my time. 2. It is possible, but it is not worth doing. 3. I said it was a good idea all along. --------------------------------------------------- One of my friends got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive driving course to have points erased from her license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial, and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began. Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?" The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket." --------------------------------------------------- "If there are any idiots in the classroom, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself." --------------------------------------------------- A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish. One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 28 lbs 10 oz (13 Kg). --------------------------------------------------- A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932; the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars." --------------------------------------------------- Two men were finishing their work day and one said, "I hate to go home! Every night I eat the same tasteless food, wash the dishes, walk the dog, and then go to bed alone." His co-worker asked, "Why don't you find a nice girl and get married?" As the first man slammed his briefcase shut he replied, "I AM married!" --------------------------------------------------- It ain't fair, guys. When we're born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers. When we're married, our brides get the presents and publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance. --------------------------------------------------- My daughter, Mary, goes to extremes in caring for her new sports car. One afternoon we went to get gas. When the attendant asked what kind, Mary said, "Unleaded -- super. The best you have. And check the oil, please." When the man found the car needed a quart, he asked, "What kind do you use?" "I just want the finest," Mary said. "Whatever it costs. And look at the radiator too. It might need water." "What does it take," the attendant inquired, "Perrier?" --------------------------------------------------- A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is." --------------------------------------------------- A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-law's death. It also inquires whether she should be buried or burnt. He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes." --------------------------------------------------- My friend and I were celebrating our 40th birthday the same year. As a gag gift, I gave her a CD by the band UB40. For my birthday, she retaliated with a CD as well. The group? U2. --------------------------------------------------- Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad. --------------------------------------------------- Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father. "The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...'" --------------------------------------------------- If a man is bald in front, he's a thinker. If he's bald in the back, he is a lover. If he's bald in front and back, he thinks he's a lover. --------------------------------------------------- "The presidential campaign is really heating up. George Bush, his campaign is really doing much, much better, and he's shot right up in the polls since he captured Martha Stewart." --- CBS' "The Late Show with David Letterrman" --------------------------------------------------- "Does anyone know if 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day' is the same day as 'Lock Your Son Up in a Closet Day?' Cause it would really save me some time." --Bob Van Voris --------------------------------------------------- "There are many kings. King Henry the 8th, King Solomon, King Tut, King James, King Kong. But there is only one Prince." --Grammy Award-winner Alicia Keys introduucing Prince into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.