A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he/she says happens at home" 6969696969696969696966969696969669696969696969696 Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming. Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order. When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed. Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two." At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that five." 6969696969696969696966969696969669696969696969696 Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty-five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement. A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Ole based his demand for an annulment. "It's like this, your Honor," answered Ole, "I've just learned that Lena's father never had a license to carry a gun." 6969696969696969696966969696969669696969696969696 A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?" "The glaciers brought them down," said the guide. "But where are the glaciers?" "The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks." 6969696969696969696966969696969669696969696969696 A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." 6969696969696969696966969696969669696969696969696 A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." 6969696969696969696966969696969669696969696969696 A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" 6969696969696969696966969696969669696969696969696 A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" 6969696969696969696966969696969669696969696969696 On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church in a small town and pointing to it, told the children that it was St. Andrews Church. Just then, her young son piped up, "It must be a franchise, we've got one of those in our town too." 6969696969696969696966969696969669696969696969696 The check-writing policy at the store I worked at became more strict. After a customer wrote a check, I had to confirm the bank account existed and that there were no infractions. Then I had to verify the customer's address, write down his driver's license number, and ask for a home and business phone number. Finally, I requested a major credit card as a second ID. Looking up from the counter, I noticed the man patiently rolling up his sleeves. "Will you be needing a blood sample today?" he asked. 6969696969696969696966969696969669696969696969696 A gentleman staying at a major Las Vegas hotel removes a card offering sexual services from a pay phone in the lobby. Back in his room, he calls the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance. The gentleman says, "I'd like a BJ, some missionary work, a little doggie, some mild bondage, finishing off with 69. What do you think?" The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line. 6969696969696969696966969696969669696969696969696 "Now, class," the professor of economics asked, "Can someone give me an example of an 'unremunerative outlay of capital?" Jon raised his hand and the professor called on him. "Yes, I can. How about taking one's sister out to dinner and a movie?" 6969696969696969696966969696969669696969696969696 Vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings about bears posted in campgrounds, visitors' centers and rest areas advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on. My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a bear, don't come in here!" 6969696969696969696966969696969669696969696969696 Top ten things you'll never hear a dad say... 10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for car dates. Won't that be fun? 8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that. 7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my car. GO CRAZY! 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son? 5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party. 4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. 2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. Here's $100. 1. What do I want for Father's day? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, he might say it, but he doesn't mean it!) 6969696969696969696966969696969669696969696969696 My doctor sent me a bill with a note that said it was now one year old. So I returned it with a note that said "Happy Birthday." 6969696969696969696966969696969669696969696969696 I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are inde- pendent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. 6969696969696969696966969696969669696969696969696 "Champagne for my real friends, and real pain for my sham friends." --Ed Norton as Monty Brogan in 25th HOUR. 6969696969696969696966969696969669696969696969696 "Do you like news from outer space? The Mars Rover has found evidence of water and salt. You know what this means? At one point mars supported margaritas." --David Letterman 6969696969696969696966969696969669696969696969696 "A flute without holes is not a flute and a donut with no hole is a danish." -Ty Webb (Chevy Chase), CADDYSHACK 6969696969696969696966969696969669696969696969696 "'Harry Potter' author J.K. Rowling says she might not stop at 7 books and might make an 8th book about Harry as an adult. When asked why she said, 'There's still money in the world that I don't have yet'." --Conan O'Brien