Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped. Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus." Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee. "Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," he said, gesturing toward the doors, "Which one should I use?" "Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men." "Bronco and Cactus are our private dining rooms." WWWWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them. Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can. Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye. While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by. He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, "Sisters, somehow I don't think that's going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!" WWWWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM The Times We Live In... The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking." WWWWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM A refined new yuppy comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does. "And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every berry in a separate piece of paper, too." She does. "And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel in the corner. "Raisins," says the saleswoman, "But they are not for sale!" WWWWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM You have chosen YUPPIES Although it may be fun to stereotype drivers based on their race, it is a disguised form of racism. However, yuppies are not necessarily composed of only white people, as is a common perception. There are black yuppies, asian yuppies, indian yuppies, etc. Thus we don't have to mock based on race since there are other perfectly valid reasons to mock people. I haven't performed a scientific survey, but most yuppies can be identified by the following traits: Are dressed in business suits, sans the jacket. Have short, slicked back, hair. Drive either a Lexus, BMW, Mercedes, Honda, or Ford Taurus. Like to tailgate. Like to speed. Have the ability to talk on the phone and cut you off at the same time. Have their rear-view mirror angled so they can see only themself. Need to get in front of you at all costs because their life is actually important, and don't have time to be stuck behind the common man. WWWWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM A gay fellow was sitting in a dentist's chair and the dentist remarks, "You're looking a little thin on top. Are you trying any new hair growth remedies?" "No, I'm not. Do you recommend anything?" The dentist suggests, "For the next few days, rub some Vaseline on your head every morning, and then wash it off before you go to bed at night." The gay fellow wakes up the next morning and rubs some Vaseline on his head, as the dentist suggested. His lover questions what he's doing but the fellow ignores him. The next morning, he does the same procedure. Again, his lover questions what he's doing but the fellow ignores him. On the third day, he follows the same routine. By now, his lover is getting fed up, and insists that he explain why. "If you must know, I was at the dentist's office, and he told me if I rubbed Vaseline on my head every morning, that even- tually my hair would grow back." His lover looks at him and says, "You are so gullible! If that actually worked, you'd have a pony tail coming out of your ass by now! " WWWWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM "The Late Osama" After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he was greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry came up from behind, "You wanted to end the American's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose. James Madison came next and said, "This is why I allowed the government to provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees. Osama was subject to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe and 67 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged. As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!" An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?" WWWWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Guido's first job when he got to the United States was sweeping the floors in a pizzeria. After 15 years of hard work, Guido owned not only the store he started in, but a chain of 50 pizza stores. Guido believes it's now time to relax a little bit. Enjoy the fruits of his hard labor. He calls a contractor to have a huge mansion built for himself. Guido tells the contractor, "Makea you sure you puta lotsa da 'halo statues' inna da house. I wanna have lotsa da 'halo statues' in my mansion, capiche? One inna every room. One in da kitchen. One in da bathroom. Every room!" The contractor is impressed with how religious Guido is, promises to do a good job, and carefully plans a niche in every room for Guido's statues. The contractor personally searches for just the perfect religious statues for each room. Finally, the house is completed and the contractor takes Guido on a tour of Guido's new mansion. The contractor is full of pride showing off his work, but Guido looks concerned and fretful. Finally, the contractor says, "Is there something wrong, sir?" "Wherea are alla my halo statues?" Guido cries. The contractor points to the different statues he's carefully selected and placed everywhere. "They're in every room, sir, just like you asked!" Guido replies, "No no no! I doan wanna no Saintas. I wanna da 'halo statues'!" "Sir?" "You know? Halo statues! Deya ring! You picka dem up, anna you say, 'Halo? Stat you?" WWWWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM When I was in the fourth grade, we had the horrible Mr. Johnson as our teacher. Once he got called to the office. When he got back, he found all of us sitting absolutely still and quiet. Shocked, he asked, "Boys and girls, I've never seen anything like this. It's wonderful. But what made you all act so well behaved and quiet?" We all looked at each other and I finally raised my hand. "Well," I said, "one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you'd drop dead." WWWWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Sally purchased an answering machine with a prerecorded mes- sage that used a male voice. She chose not to record a new message. The next Saturday she was "screening" her calls. The phone rang and the machine answered... After the message, there was a pause and the caller hung up. The phone rang a second time -- the same result. Then the phone rang a third time, and the person said: "This is your mother, I think. If I am, please call me." WWWWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM IN THE NEWS: A bar owner in Colorado has been charged with unlawfully discharging a firearm after shooting his laptop computer. George Doughty is said to have fired four bullets into his Dell computer in the middle of his bar and rest- aurant in Lafayette, Colorado. He then hung the destroyed machine on the wall like a hunting trophy. WWWWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM No matter how hard my mom tries, every plant or flower she has attempted to grow seems to wither and die an untimely death under her care. But she never gives up hope. While she was visiting home recently, my sister nudged me and pointed to a line of new plants placed by the kitchen window. "Look," she whispered, "death row." WWWWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dartboard. -Dennis Miller WWWWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? -Steven Wright WWWWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM "Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" --George Carlin