"I was abducted by aliens..." When asked to share the most unusual excuses workers gave for missing work, hiring managers shared some of their favorite examples: "I'm too drunk to drive to work." "I accidentally flushed my keys down the toilet." "I had to help deliver a baby on my way to work." (Employee was not in the medical profession.) "I accidentally drove through the automatic garage door before it opened." "My boyfriend's snake got loose and I'm afraid to leave the bedroom until he gets home." "I'm too fat to get into my work pants." "God didn't wake me." (Employee didn't believe in alarm clocks and thought a higher power would wake her when she was ready.) "I cut my fingernails too short, they're bleeding and I have to go to the doctor." "The ghosts in my house kept me up all night." "My cow bit me." "My son accidentally fell asleep next to wet cement in our backyard. His foot fell in and we can't get it out." "I was watching a guy fixing a septic pump, fell in the hole and hurt myself." "I was walking my dog and slipped on a toad in my driveway and hurt my back." "My house lock jammed, and I'm locked in." "I forgot I was getting married today." ======================================================================== An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian waiting for her date. The drunk just won't take no for an answer. "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!" the lesbian smirks. The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!" ======================================================================== Larry: Boy! My diet must be working. Joe: Why do you say that? Larry: I can finally see the numbers on the bathroom scale. ======================================================================== Son: Mom, what does P.M.S. mean? Mom: Purchase More Shoes! ======================================================================== Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock." Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?" The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water." ======================================================================== "Tatoos done while you wait." Billboard advertising a tatto parlor in Kentucky. Can you just leave your arm and leg and come back in an hour? ======================================================================== One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." ======================================================================== Standing in line in a gift shop with an armful of little woolly stuffed lambs, I was pleased with the Easter gifts I had selected for my nieces. As the clerk was ringing up my purchase, the man behind me motioned to the heap of pink sheep on the counter and said, "Having trouble sleeping?" ======================================================================== A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your p*=Is is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221." ======================================================================== Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing, but sunburned and needing immediate care and nursing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time. Do you think we should ... well ... you know .. screw her?" "Out of what?" asked the other. ======================================================================== While I was putting my reluctant four-year-old to bed one evening, he looked up at me and said accusingly, "I know what you and Dad do at night when I'm in bed." Rather taken aback by this statement, I asked what he meant. "You eat all the good stuff," he replied. ======================================================================== Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the w! ife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up." ======================================================================== [[THE SEA by Kindergartners]] This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7) A Dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade windsto cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7) Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy ssmall. (Kevin age 6) There are a lot of suckers in the ocean. The Mafia put them there. (Russ age 5) I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) ======================================================================== Q. What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark? A. Flood lights. ======================================================================== Look, King Solomon, I'm not one to complain, but don't you think you're a little greedy having a thousand wives? I mean, what can you do with a thousand wives that you can't do with just one? "Oh, I do the same thing, but the odds of them all having a headache are a lot less!" ======================================================================== Speaking of fences, reminds me of the man who bought a horse but then went back to the farmer and complained, "I thought you said this horse you sold me could jump as high as an eight-foot fence." "I did, and he can," said the farmer. "Well," replied the man, "he can't jump at all." The farmer added, "Neither can a fence." ======================================================================== I was waiting on some customers at the shoe store where I work when I was interrupted by a very determined woman. Pointing to a sneaker made by Reebok, she asked, "Do you have this in a Nike?" ======================================================================== Two women met at a laundromat. As they talked, the first woman said, "I have five children." The other woman said, "That sounds nice. I wish I had five children." "Don't you have any children?" asked the first woman. "Yeah, ten!" said the second." ======================================================================== Two men were in conversation. One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?" His companion replied, "It kept me up all night" ======================================================================== [[[ History! Herstory! Theirstories!]] Ambrose Bierce HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools. "History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided." -- Konrad Adenauer "if history repeats itself, it should think that we can expect the same thing again." -- Terry Venables "We live in the midst of alarms; anxiety beclouds the future; we expect some new disaster with each newspaper we read." -- Abraham Lincoln "I began revolution with 82 men. If I had to do it again, I do it with 10 or 15 and absolute faith. It does not matter how small you are if you have faith and plan of action." -- Fidel Castro "History is a relentless master. It has no present, only the past rushing into the future. To try to hold fast is to be swept aside." -- John F. Kennedy "Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit." -- Henry B. Adams "90 percent of my time is spent on 10 percent of the world." -- Colin Powell "A man travels the world in search of what he needs and returns home to find it." -- George Moore "Time is my greatest enemy." -- Evita Peron "History is a gallery of pictures in which there are few originals and many copies." -- Alexis de Tocqueville "History is a pack of lies about events that never happened told by people who weren't there." -- George Santayana "Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever." -- Napoleon Bonaparte