(((Rated: G))) The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: "We had twins!" The family was so excited they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?" The father paused, smiled, and said, "Each other." $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ (((Rated: G))) I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one model's promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?" He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal." "In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs." "Exactly." [From Reader's Digest.] $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ (((Rated: PG))) Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of "Show and Tell" that day had been parents' occupations. The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, "You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living." I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms. When I asked why, the teacher explained, "Your daughter told the class she wasn't sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels." $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ (((Rated: PG-13))) <> Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines! And this is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates' technology Which he enjoyed stealing from the Japan. And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM PC clones that use Taiwan designed - China made chips, and Korean monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegal aliens, and finally sold to you. And, what is your nationality? That, my friend, is Globalization! Finally, an explanation in English. $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ (((Rated: G))) Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store, painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet tall: YELD Close, but not close enough. The next week I drove through the same parking lot and found it was changed. They had painted an I between the existing letters. Now it read YEILD. About two months later they finally fixed it. The old lettering was painted over with black and freshly painted on top of that was the word STOP. $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ (((Rated: G))) Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine",said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "But the right name is important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity are: 10. Chateau Traileur Parc 9. White Trashfindel 8. Big Red Gulp 7. World Championship Riesling 6. NASCARbernet 5. Chef Boyardeaux 4. Peanut Noir 3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar! 2. Grape Expectations And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine: 1. Nasti Spumante The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel). $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ (((Rated: G))) A bar in NYC is installing a breathalyzer. If your drunk, it advises you not to drive. If you're really, really drunk, it advises you not to call your old girlfriend. $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ (((Rated: G))) A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and the youngster was taking it all in with a serious _expression. Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up..." "Yes, son?" the father said expectantly. "What bus should I take home?" $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ (((Rated: G))) A scorpion, being a very poor swimmer, asked a turtle to carry him on his back across a river. "Are you mad?" exclaimed the turtle. "You'll sting me while I'm swimming and I'll drown." "My dear turtle," laughed the scorpion, "if I were to sting you, you would drown and I would go down with you. Now where is the logic in that?" "You're right!" cried the turtle. "Hop on!" The scorpion climbed aboard and halfway across the river gave the turtle a mighty sting. As they both sank to the bottom, the turtle resignedly said: "Do you mind if I ask you something? You said there'd be no logic in your stinging me. Why did you do it?" "It has nothing to do with logic," the drowning scorpion sadly replied. "It's just my character." $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ (((Rated: G))) Once when the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children something, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches. As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a home cooked meal!" $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ (((Rated: PG-13))) What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt ?" the shop teacher asked the only girl in the class during the first day of school. She pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'." $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ (((Rated: G))) Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me." The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and proceeded to berate the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he under estimate his game. So, giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it folled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee. Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt..." $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ (((Rated: PG))) "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the back?" --Unknown %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "According to a new medical study, it's healthy for a wife to get angry at her husband than to keep it all inside which can lead to disease. So guys when the wife runs you over with the SUV, she's just trying to live a healthier lifestyle." --Jay Leno %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "We've had more mudslides than the Bush twins on spring break" --Bill Maher, on the weather in California. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "This week the U.S. Navy launched a nuclear submarine named after Jimmy Carter. Experts say the sub will be ineffective for four years but tremendously respected once it's retired." --Conan O'Brien %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER." --Dennis Leary %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "Our next presenter is the first woman to ever breast-feed an Apple - Gwyneth Paltrow." --Chris Rock %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "During the last five months, I've had the privilege to meet an incredible cross section of people." -- Domestic diva MARTHA STEWART, telling her employees about her five months in federal prison