The quick and easy to understand guide to political ideologies: FEUDALISM You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of the cows and you all share the milk. APPLIED COMMUNISM You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. DICTATOR You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. MILITARISM You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow sues you for breach of contact. BRITISH DEMOCRACY You have two cows. You feed them sheep's' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one and milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. BUSINESS ENTERPRISE You have the cow, your neighbour has the bull. You sell the milk, calves and manure. You bullshit investors. TOTALITARIANISM You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. 888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 When I was single, I never was into the whole bar scene. I just wasn't very good at it. I never quite mastered the art of the "pick up line." For instance, there was this drop dead gorgeous girl at this bar I went to one time. I screwed up my courage, walked over to her, and in my most suave voice said, "Hey, sexy girl, can I buy you a drink?" She diverted her gaze towards me. Gorgeous blue eyes. Beautiful ruby-red lips. Breasts to die for. She licked her lips and said, "Tell me, do you like sex?" Oh my. Better than I could have hoped for. "Yes, I love sex." "Wonderful," she said, coming a little closer, "Do you like to travel?" "Oh yeah. I love to travel." "Good," she said, "then fXXk off." 888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 "The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends," the girl told her maiden Aunt. "Now I know what to do with a lover, but what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?" The wise old lady smiled and said, "The same as with your lover, dearie, only not quite so often." 888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American." "Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American." [Thanks to Lisa.] 888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 During my training as a medical-group receptionist, I was told never to recommend one of our doctors over another, but simply state who had available appointments. One day a woman came in and looked at me conspiratorially. "I'm a nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff always knows which doctors are good and which aren't. Who do you think I should see?" Knowing my supervisor was listening close by, I tried to sound most professional. "Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "I can't recommend any of our doctors." "Well, you must know!" she said, heading for the door. 888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television. The harried waitress took our order, but more than a half-hour passed with no sign of her return. I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless, when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar. "Hey," commented my 11-year-old, " it sounds like someone just got their food." 888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're orderinga la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special." "How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home. [Thanks to Reader's Digest.] 888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way. Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic. Instead he asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?" [Thanks to Reader's Digest.] 888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 Lifetime Premium Subscriber Shack found out that the word "Yahoo" first appeared in Jonathan Swift's 1726 book, "Gulliver's Travels." It was the name of a race of sub-human brutes. 888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 Sign seen on a plastic surgeon's window: "Come in and picknose!"