Little Tommy Can't Find The Bathroom Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted. The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way. Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it." Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom. So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you find it?" Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Joan, on an airplane, strikes up a conversation with the geeky computer programmer sitting next to her. "Where are you going?" asks Joan. "I'm going to San Jose," says the geek, "to a UNIX convention." Later, Joan's husband picks her up at the airport. "How was the flight?" he asks. "Oh, fine," says Joan. "I sat next to this guy I felt really sorry for." "Why'd you feel sorry for him?" "He didn't have any testicles." "What?!" says the husband. "And just how did you learn *that*?" "Because," says Joan, "he said he was going to a eunuchs' convention." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% CHRISTINA AGUILERA VIDEO TOO SHORT LAMENTS AGING MASTURBATOR Spokane, Michigan - John Ophowitz has found the latest video from pop star Christina Aguilera too brief to consummate his self-abuse. Said Ophowitz, "I'm getting up there in years, and as my prostate enlarges it takes me a minute just to take a piss. By the time it registers that that very very naughty girl is on again, I've got to whip into action, and unless I'm at the top of my game, I'm only midway through before it's that idiot Sway talking about who killed Biggie again. I need more time." When reminded that the video is the filmic version of a pop song, and therefore limited time wise, Ophowitz responded, "I guess there's a song there. I hear this beat clicking along, and every now and the she says 'It's gonna get dirty!' It's GONNA get dirty? It's GONNA get dirty? Have you seen this video? She's dry humping everyone who walks by, and she's wearing two thongs, one for a different part of her ass-crack. If I see it when it actually gets dirty, I'm going to have a heart attack." In related news, the tiny group CAMCEO (Christina Aguilera and Morse Code Enthusiasts Organization) has revealed that Ms Aguilera has included a secret message in the video in Morse code. Said Jeffrey Sausberg, "When she's twitching her crotch at the camera like that, she's actually spelling out 'Suck it, Britney' in dots and dashes." When told of the secret message, Mr. Ophowitz replied, "She's even more talented than I thought. Excuse me, I need to use the bathroom, for about an hour, please." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% YOU THINK GASOLINE IS EXPENSIVE? Diet Snapple 16oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon Lipton Ice Tea 16oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon Gatorade 20oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon Ocean Spray 16oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon Pint of milk 16oz for $1.59 = $12.72 per gallon STP Brake Fluid 12oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon Vick's Nyquil 6oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon Pepto Bismol 4oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon Whiteout .7oz for $1.39 = $25.42 per gallon Scope 1.5oz for $0.99 = $84.48 per gallon And this is the REAL KICKER...... Evian water 9oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon .....$21.19 FOR WATER!! So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil, or Scope, or Whiteout!!!! %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Who Would You Have A Conversation With? The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Although born to a Catholic family, Chester had always wanted to be Jewish. As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion. On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin. The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must discuss my fee, It's $5000." "$5000!" exclaimed Chester, "That's a lot of money. How about $500?" "Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Whose Profession Came First A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are going out golfing. They are trying to decide whose profession came first. The doctor says, "My profession came first because when God removed Adam's rib he performed surgery." The engineer then says, "No, no, no. When the earth was dark and void God created light. That was engineering." The lawyer says, "You're both wrong." The doctor and engineer reply, "Oh yeah? What makes you think yours came first?" The lawyer replies, "Where do you think the darkness came from?" %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Andy Rooney on Oil: There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA. Well, there's a very simple answer: Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know that we were getting low. The reason for this is purely geographical...... All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, New Mexico, Alaska, etc. All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first? A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist.