<Rated: PG>

The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a corporate-clothing 
catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (Control)
and the other Esc (Escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.

"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, 
"if only to remind him of the two things he can never have." 


**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**

<Rated: G>


A young mother, paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife, made no attempt 
to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. 

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, 
doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there." 

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons." 


**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**

<Rated: G>

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will 
you marry me, darling?" he asked.

Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."

Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one
condition."

"What is that?" Lisa asked.

"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied. 

**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**

<Rated: G>

"What do you have to do to become a medical doctor?" my six-year-old
granddaughter once asked.

Her dad, seeing an opportunity, said, "You have to do extremely well in school, 
take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, make the highest 
grades possible, and then go to med school, and follow that with an internship. 
Then you can start your own practice. 

Honey, as smart as you are, you can be anything you want to be."

Erin gave all this a moment's thought and then asked, "What do you have to do 
to be queen?" 

**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**

<Rated: G>

After the service a woman went to the preacher, "Pastor, I hope you don't 
take it personal that my husband walked out during your sermon."

"Oh, I'm so glad you told me that, because it upset me terribly," said the 
preacher. "What caused him to leave, if I may ask?"

"Oh he's been sleepwalking since he was a little kid." 

**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**

<Rated: PG>

Ten Thoughts to Ponder in USA

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an 
           erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person
           to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for anything, but you 
           still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
           dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
           attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a 
           substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
           is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006 - We know exactly where one cow with 
mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America
but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands terrorists are located. Maybe
we should put the US Department of Agriculture in charge of Homeland Security.

**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**

<Rated: PG>

A daddy teased his five-year-old daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy 
in her kindergarten class.

The little girl was quite indignant. "No, daddy, I don't like him!" she 
stated. "He's only interested in one thing." Shocked, the daddy cautiously 
asked what that one thing might be.

"Power Rangers, of course," said the girl.

**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**

<Rated: G>

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his 
skills to the impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. 
"I'm sure it will amaze you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his 
arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then 
swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in 
mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.


The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he 
says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"

**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**


<Rated: PG>


The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all
a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into
his own hands!

DANGEROUS -- What's for dinner?
SAFER -- Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST -- Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS -- Are you wearing that?
SAFER -- Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST -- WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS -- What are you so worked up about?
SAFER -- Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST -- Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS -- Should you be eating that?
SAFER -- You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST -- Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS -- What did you do all day?
SAFER -- I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST -- I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some more chocolate.

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need
a good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks.
..but chocolate sings.

Here, have some chocolate.

Advice for Husband: No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.


**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**

<Rated: PG>

Tombstone Epitaph
In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767


**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**

<Rated: G>

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks 
Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, 
B-E-P-H-O-R." 

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?" 

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R." 

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, 
Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?" 

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E." 

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?" 

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore." 

**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**

<Rated: NC-17>

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with 
another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put 
his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. 
Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! 
You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, 
with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set 
the garage on fire." 


**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**

<Rated: PG>

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring 
the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds.


**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**

<Rated: PG>

[Texan & Texas Quotes]


"I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today....
He married a Texas girls, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West
Texas girl, just like me."  -- US President George W. Bush


"Do you know why God created woman? because sheep can't type."
-- Texas State Senator Kenneth Armbrister


“Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you 
and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, 
filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.” 
-- Butch Hancock
 

“Texans are proof that the world was populated by aliens” 
-- Cynthia Nelms


"I have horses, I drive a truck, and I wear cowboy boots. 
First I'm a Texan." -- Henry Thomas 

 
"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me! "
-- Ma Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 11920) 
 

“To the goggling unbeliever Texans say - as people always say about their 
mangier dishes - "but it's just like chicken, only tenderer." Rattlesnake 
is, in fact, just like chicken, only tougher.” -- Alistair Cooke 


“That's my favorite thing about Texas, the barbecue.” -- Scott Caan
 

"When you throw dirt, you lose ground." -- Texan Proverb