Four-Letter Words A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!" ======================================== Letters to a pastor **Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville. **Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix **Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson **Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven **Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany **Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago **Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma **Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota **Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City **Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens **Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh **Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena **Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville **Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina **Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron **Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston ======================================== During my freshman year at East Texas State University in Commerce, I worked nights as a waiter. The following year, wanting my evenings free, I applied for a dormitory main- tenance job and was asked, "How are you on punctuality?" "Oh, I'm good at that," I blurted out without thinking. "I'm an English major." [Contributed to Reader's Digest.] ======================================== MONEY STILL TALKS BUT BULLSHIT NO LONGER WALKS In a stunning reversal, Bullshit has ended its long-standing policy of walking. Reached for comment by bullshit journalists, a bullshit spokesman said, "At this point, it is unclear exactly what will do the walking from now on, but it definitely will not be Bullshit." As a result, bullshit corporate executives everywhere are scrambling to cope with these unanticipated developments, as are bullshit accounting firms. A major restructuring effort is expected in coming weeks. The effect on bullshit stock market analysts is, as yet, unknown. Bullshit attorneys have also been forced to reevaluate their positions, although they expect a somewhat smoother transition. And bullshit politicians are expected to adapt immediately. Bullshit, which has not yet decided to talk, was unavailable for comment. ======================================== The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings. (From George S.) ======================================== When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?" ======================================== Life Science Final Exam The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best: 1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can't steal it. 3. Available whenever necessary. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer: 4. Available in attractive containers. ======================================== Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working. This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ulti- mately led to television...and later to the remote control. [From D. Barry.] ======================================== "If Tuesday Weld married Fredric March's grandson she'd be Tuesday March the third." (Heard that on the Muppet Show years ago and never forgot it...) --Ramon