To help untangle my fishing gear, I asked my wife and her sister to walk the fishing line across our front yard and hold it taut while I reeled it back in. A man strolling by saw the two good-looking women and did a double take. "I don't know what you're using for bait," he said to me, "but I'll take a dozen." [Thanks to Reader's Digest.] ################################################################# [[How fast can you read it out loud?]] Mr. See and Mr. Soar were old friends. See owned a saw and Soar owned a seesaw. Now, See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See, which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw before See saw Soar's seesaw, then See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. But See saw Soar and Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See's saw, so See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. It was a shame to let See see Soar so sore because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. ################################################################# A truck driver, who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor. Assessor: "I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation." Trucker: "Yeah, I feel really sick." Assessor: "All right then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?" Trucker: "Yeah, he gives me a lead (Pb) suit to wear on the job." Assessor: "And what about the cabin in which you drive?" Trucker: "Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined." Assessor: "What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?" Trucker: "Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead." Assessor: "Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container." Trucker: "Yeah, that's right. All lead." Assessor: "Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning." Trucker: "I'm not suing for radiation poison. I claiming for lead poisoning!" ################################################################# Q: What happened when the gardener accidentally sprayed his spice garden with herbicide instead of pesticide? A: He ended up just killing thyme. ################################################################# 20 things I've learned in 50 years -- by Dave Barry The federal government most valuable function is entertainment. Never even remotely suggest to a woman that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. A penny saved is worthless. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. One factor uniting all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday, and that time is age 11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. Nobody is normal. At least once each year, some group of scientists will become excited and announce that: ?The universe is even bigger than they thought! ?There are even more subatomic particles than they guessed! ?Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. You should not confuse your career with your life. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. No matter what happens, somebody will take it too seriously. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, this individual is crazy. Your friends love you anyway. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. [ ] ################################################################# A Swedish couple tried to break the world record for the longest kiss, set at 30 hours, 59 minutes and 27 seconds in 2001, but their love could not stand the test of time - they separated after just one hour and 34 minutes later. [] ################################################################# A professor at the Michigan State University was known for giving boring, cliche-ridden lectures. At the beginning of one semester, an innovative class breathed new life into the course by assigning baseball plays to each hackneyed phrase. For example, when the professor said, "On the other hand," that counted as a base hit. "By the same token" was a strike out; "and so on" counted as a stolen base. Divided into two teams by the center aisle of the lecture hall, the students played inning after inning of silent but vigorous baseball. On the last day of class, the impossible happened: the score was tied and bases were loaded. Then the batter hit a home run! The winning team stood and cheered wildly. Though deeply appreciative, the professor later was quoted as wondering why only half of the students had been enthusiastic about his lectures. ################################################################# A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine" ################################################################# Top Ten Reasons why Golf Is Better Than Sex #10 - A below par performance is considered damn good. #9 - You can stop in the middle & have a burger and a couple of beers. #8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot. #7 - Foursomes are encouraged. #6 - You can still make money doing it as a senior. #5 - Three times a day is possible. #4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else. #3 - If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day. #2 - You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished. #1 reason why Golf is better than Sex... If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it. ################################################################# A man was in court for a double murder and the judge said: "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out: "You bastard!" The judge continued: "You are also charged with killing your daughter with with a hammer." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out: "You God-damned bastard!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said: "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt. Now, is that a problem?" The man at the back of the court stood up and explained: "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard. And EVERY time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!" ################################################################# After doctors set my broken arm and put a cast on it, I paid the bill and went on my way. Shortly thereafter, I received a bill from the hospital, this time for the $1.57 they claimed I still owed. Apparently to prove that this was a hospital with heart, they included a payment book. It had me paying 3 cents a month for four years. ################################################################# [] A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with shit, crossed her path. "Oh, dear," the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex from her purse and whipped the duck clean. After finishing, she urged the duck away saying, "Be careful next time!" She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it, crossed her way. Again she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She warned this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she encountered a third duck with the same problem. "Now I've had it!" She whined. "What have you all been doing?" And for the third time she acted like a Florence Nightingale and tended the duck. She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes. "Hey, you, lady!" sounded a male voice in distress. "Yes?" she replied. "Do you have a Kleenex?" "No, not anymore," she answered. "Too bad. I guess I'll just have to use another duck." ################################################################# This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink." ################################################################# A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!" ################################################################# "Don't make the same mistake twice seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn't it? First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice. If you simply say, 'Don't make the same mistake,' you'll avoid the first mistake, won't you?" --George Carlin ################################################################# "Today the White House announced that President Bush's personal chef is quitting his job. When asked why the chef said there is only so much you can do with Spaghettios." --Conan O'Brien ################################################################# It's an exciting time to be in New York City. It's Fashion Week and the city is full of supermodels. Just today I saw a supermodel with a sign around her neck that said "Will starve for food." --Dave Letterman ################################################################# "Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?" --Lisa Claymen ################################################################# "Someone has said that there are only two kinds of people in the world---- There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning." --Unknown ################################################################# [[More Love quotes for post-valentine's day era]] "Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell." --Joan Crawford *** "Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times." --Unknown *** "I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox." --Woody Allen *** "Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." --Unknown