Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. "What's your job there?" the caller asked me. "I'm the president," I replied. There was a pause. "I'll call back later," he said, "I need to talk to someone who knows something." Problem The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" While taking down the vitals for a soon-to-be mom, I asked how much she weighed. "I really don't know," she said. "Well, more or less," I prompted. "More, I guess," she answered sadly At her daughter's urging, Mrs. Ginsberg, age 75, went to see a gynecologist for the first time in her life. She answered the nurse's questions and then was asked to step behind a screen and remove her clothes so Dr. Kaplan could examine her. At some point during the examination, Mrs. Ginsberg said, "Excuse me, Doctor. Can I ask you a question?" "Certainly," the doctor replied. "Tell me," she said. "Your mother knows that from this you make a living?" [[< Test of History - Fill the blanks >]] 1. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to _______________." 2. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ &_______________. 3. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________. 4. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ______________ A Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hotdog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within." Top ten signs you've been in corporate America too long 10. You decide to re-organize your family into a "team-based organization." 9. You refer to dating as test marketing. 8. You can spell "paradigm." 7. You actually know what a paradigm is. 6. You write executive summaries on your love letters. 5. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points. 4. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review. 3. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities." 2. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering," "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people." And the number 1 sign you've been in corporate America too long... 1. You use the term "value-added" without laughing. Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow shit and dives down toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?" WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS! If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects. This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind. These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them! FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW! Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could." Telemarketer A salesman telephoned a household, and a four-year-old boy answered. The salesman asked, "May I speak to your mother?" The little boy answered, "She's not here right now." The salesman asked, "Well, is anyone else there?" The boy said, "My sister." The salesman said, "O.K., fine. May I speak to her?" "I guess so," said the boy. At this point there was a very long silence on the phone. Then the boy came back on the phone and said, "Hello?" "It's you?" asked the salesman, "I thought you were going to call your sister." "I tried. But I can't get her out of the playpen." [[< Test of History - Answers >]] 1. To protect the innocent. 2. Beetle or Bug 3. Sputnik 4. Hoola-hoop "Doctor!" said the woman as she loudly bounced into the room, "I want you to tell me very frankly what's wrong with me." He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you." "First, you need to lose at least twenty pounds. Second, you should use about half as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist - the doctor's office is on the next floor." On Septic Tank Truck "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels" "We're #1 in the #2 business."