Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave." The second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb." Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm." The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, "From the erection to the resurrection." pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq British doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks." A Russian doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks." The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work, and the other half preparing for war." pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq [I don't know who the genius was who came up with these gems, but they absolutely slay me!] If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho. If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra. If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh. If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G. If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono. pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq One Star Hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries. Two Star Hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels. Three Star Hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once. Four Star Hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your makeup on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom. Five Star Hangover, (*****) You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good right about now.... pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq Men Are Like... Men are like... place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like... mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like... bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. Men are like... government bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like... parking spots. All the good ones are taken. Men are like... copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like... lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like... bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like... high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. Men are like... miniskirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs. pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife." said the man. pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq Premium Reader Brotha Ron was telling me the American Medical Association Researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients who need blood transfusions may benefit from receiving *chicken* blood rather than human blood. No kidding. You see, it seems to make the men cocky and the women lay better. pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq A Co-worker asked if I knew what to do about a computer problem that was preventing her from getting e-mail. After calling the help desk, I told my colleague that e-mail was being delayed to check for a computer virus. "It's a variant of the I Love You virus, only worse." "What could be worse?" my single co-worker asked wryly. "The Let's Just Be Friends virus?" pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!" The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?" pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq When we moved into our new home, the first one we owned rather than rented, two of my husband's friends gave him a bottle of champagne. In the hustle and bustle of getting settled, the gift was tucked away and temporarily forgotten. Three months later we held a Christening party for our third child. Champagne flowed in celebration until, running short, we remembered our housewarming gift. In front of our guests, I opened the attached card and read it aloud, "Donald, take good care of this one, it's yours!" pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq Some teachers at state universities get to know our students fairly well. One instructor told his communications class of his plans to propose marriage. A student spoke up and said that he had recently asked his girlfriend to marry him as well. "What was her answer?" the instructor asked. "I don't know," the student replied. "She hasn't e-mailed me back yet." pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq "You know when you're young, you think your dad's Superman. Then you grow up and you realize he's just a regular guy who wears a cape." --Dave Atell pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq "My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is." --Ellen DeGeneres pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq "I am heavily in debt. Right now my goal in life is to be broke. I want to get back to zero. Someday, I'm going to have nothing. I'll leave it to my kids. 'See this? None of this is all yours!'" --Tom Ryan pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq "I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it." --Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826) pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq "To be great is to be misunderstood." --Ralph Waldo Emerson pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq "The great question that has never been answered and which I have not been able to answer....is, What does a women want?" --Sigmund Freud