An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy." The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?" The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat." The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Chevrolet, Dad. You'll have to live with it!" /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ A fellow was walking up to a Doctors office and met another man coming out. Just before they meet the fellow coming out fell face forward dead. The first fellow went in and told the receptionist that a man had just fallen dead outside the office. The receptionist asked him "which way was he going? The man replied "he was leaving the office." The receptionist said, "Well, do me a favor, will you, and go back out and turn him around." /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!" /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ Our company offers a bonus award for employee ideas that improve safety, quality or performance. A co-worker noticed there was a power switch suspended 16 feet over our machinery. He suggested that a chain be attached to the switch, allowing it to be pulled for quick shut-off in an emergency. The suggestion went through channels and was rejected. One reason given was that "the chain might be pushed up one day, accidentally turning the power switch on." /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?" Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet." Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?" Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it." Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?" Witness: "'Winchester'!" ------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?" Witness: "I only have one, you know." ------------------------------------------- Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?" The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail. ------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?" Witness: "Yes, sir." Lawyer: "What did she say?" Witness: "'What disco am I at?'" ------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?" Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask." Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?" Witness: "Er...his face." ------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--" Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment." ------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "What happened then?" Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'" Lawyer: "Did he kill you?" Witness: "No." /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her." "Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her." "Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me." /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ Mel and his wife are walking down Main Street one evening. They stop at a jewelry store window. She says, "Mel, I'd love those diamond earrings." He says, "no problem," and takes a brick out of his pocket, smashes the window, and gets the earrings for her. They walk away hastily and soon come upon another jewelry store. In the window, there is this gorgeous diamond ring, and the wife says, "Mel, oh please, please, please, get me that ring." He looks around, sees there's nobody around, takes a brick out of his pocket and hurls it at the window. Now she's got the earrings and this great ring, and they walk away ...until they come to yet another jewelry store. There's this fantastic diamond necklace in the window. She starts begging, "Mel, Mel, just look at it. I need it!" He looks at her and says "Whaddaya think, I'm made out of bricks?" /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ [[< Classic Word Play>]] 1.Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. ------------------------------------------- 2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." ------------------------------------------- 3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." ------------------------------------------ 4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. ------------------------------------------- 5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." ------------------------------------------- 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" ------------------------------------------- 7. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy. ------------------------------------------- 8. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. ------------------------------------------- 9. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. ------------------------------------------- 10. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 5 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No steaks are too high." ------------------------------------------- 11. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel. ------------------------------------------- 12. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?" /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ [[<'Old' Quotes>]] "Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it." ------------------------------------------- "When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra." ---------------------------------------------- "You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." ----------------------------------------------- "I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top." ----------------------------------------------- "Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you." ----------------------------------------------- "If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old." -------------------------------------- "He is alive, but only in the sense that he can't be legally buried." -- Geoffrey Madan -------------------------------------- "I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere." -- George Burns. -------------------------------------- "The secret of longevity is to keep breathing." -- Sophie Tucker