As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives, and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries. In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?" In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?" In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you seeing anyone yet ?" Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?" ################################################## Jokes from Dr. John V. Conover My dear friend, a fellow Priceton Toastmaster, John V. Conover has passed away on Feb.4th, 2004. John, commonly known as Jack, was a warm, creative, patient, enthusiastic person with great wisdom and humour. The following are two edited conversations we had earlier. Life is too serious to be taken seriously. Jack, even while facing death, never forot to put a positive twist. I enjoy every moment of his presence. Let Jack be foreverly remembered as a pleasant and brilliant Toastmaster friend and fellow subscriber. J: I will have a surgery next week. The doctor said my chance of survival would be 10%. B: 10%? That is awfully low. Have you done anything about it? J: I have tried to bride the doctor. B: What did he say? J: He asked for $100000 dollars. B: Outrageous! It is worse than a ransom. J: Exactly, but I managed to negotiate the fee down to $50000. Since I did not have that much cash at hand, I asked if he accept credit card. He said no. B: I would not trust any doctor that does not accept credit cards. J: I have no choice. B: Why? J: He is the only doctor who knows the password of my pacemaker. B: I know a few hackers. They may be able to help. J: You have to make sure they only hack my pacemaker, not my brain. B: No one can hack your brain, doctor. It is wired complicately in there. It may take them years. J: True. I have tried for many years to figure out what I have in my brain. B: What have you found so far? J: The usual nasty stuff. B: I knew that part the first day I met you. J: Then you should become a psychologist yourself. B: Good suggestion. But I thought a pschologist should look like you , I mean: old, tall, thick glasses, grey hairs and white beard. J: You can have all my grey hairs, and I can have your black hairs. How about that? J: The doctor has installed a pacemaker for me. It runs great so far. B: You have to be very careful with that little machine. It may not be as reliable as you think, especially if it is refurbished. J: No worries. Mine comes with warranty. B: What kind of warranty? J: Life time warranty! I am covered as long as I live! B: It certainly beats Chrysler's 7 year 100K miles protection. J: Right. B: What elses did you get with the pacemaker? J: They gave me a pair of extra batteries. B: Lithium ion, or Nickel Metal? J: I do not know. May be the Mercury type. B: Mercury battery inside your body could kill you quicker than your illness. J: I will talk to the doctor about this on my next visit. I may demand an Energitzer brand they put in those drummer bunnies. B: Does your pacemaker do anything other than keeping your heart pumping? J: It can also be used as a timing device. I haven't read that part of the owner's manual yet. B: You mean that you have sort of an alarm clock that raises your heart rate when it is time to get up? J: Yes, something like that. I have heard it can also time my speech. It will give me a stronger pulse when I reach the 5 min mark, and a shock when I get to 7 min. B: So you will never speak over time again. J: Not really. I intend to keep this as a secret, so I can enjoy more stage time in the club. B: This is a cheat. J: I would not do this in a speech contest. B: Fair enough. ################################################## Dad's pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him--lights flashing. Dad hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call. Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in response, dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window. ################################################## Parents of a young boy went into his room and found him crying. When asked why he responded by saying, "I ate a penny and now it is gone." The father thought quickly and reached into his pocked and pulled out a penny; he then "pulled the penny out of the boy's ear." The boy laughed, quickly took the penny, swallowed it, and said, "Do it again!" ################################################## She was so blonde that she... 1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. 2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. 3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter. 4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years". 5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out. ################################################## A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea, "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. "The evening was a disaster," he moaned. "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother. "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...." ################################################## A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck. Finally, I thought I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room. "No," she replied, "but we have a lobby. You can wait there." ################################################## Going off to my first semester of college, I was a little uneasy about living with someone I'd never met before. But a couple of days after we moved in, I knew I'd be okay. I walked in to find my roommate on the floor, running his hands up and down a pair of khaki shorts. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Ironing," he replied. ################################################## "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. ################################################## He says - "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give you?" She says - "Turn sideways and look in the mirror." ################################################## Interesting Quotes from Time Magazine Verbatim sections "We've found a couple of semitrailers ... I would deem that conclusive evidence, if you will, that he did have programs for weapons of mass destruction." -- Dick Cheney, U.S. Vice President, assertting in an interview that former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein had been developing WMDs *** *** "It is clear that in the future we will not be in all the places we are now." -- Ariel Sharon, Prime Minister of Israel, conceding that some Jewish settlements in the occupied territories will have to be abandoned *** *** "If someone invaded Texas, we'd do the same thing." -- Lieut. Colonel Kim Keslung *** *** "There's no disgrace in trying to kill people in the coolest way possible." -- QUENTIN TARANTINO, American director, on Kill Bill?ol. 1, his new film, in which 88 characters die in a single 20-minute sequence *** *** "You cannot go around sodomizing people." -- Mahathir Mohamad, departing Malaysian Prrime Minister, on former deputy Anwar Ibrahim who is in jail for sodomy and corruption *** *** "Another reason to invest in Italy is that we have beautiful secretaries." -- SILVIO BERLUSCONI, Italian Prime Minister, on why American businessmen should invest in his country *** *** "The airline is happy to carry democrats, bureaucrats, aristocrats and plutocrats, but this particular rat had not paid the appropriate fare." -- QANTAS SPOKESMAN, announcing that a stowaway rat, which had caused the grounding of a Boeing 737 three times, had been killed and removed from the plane *** *** "For six years I was unaware I was being given a form of steroid of the legal kind they used to give horses, until they decided it was too strong even for horses." -- John McEnroe, former tennis pro, callingg on the Association of Tennis Professionals to crack down on doping