[[Terms in scientific research and What they really mean]] "It has long been known" I didn't look up the original reference. "Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" The results of the others didn't make any sense. "A definite trend is evident" These data are practically meaningless. "Of great theoretical and practical importance" It is interesting to me. "While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions" Got some unsuccessful experiment but I still have to get it published." "Typical results are shown" The best results are shown. These results will be shown in a subsequent report" I might get around to this sometime if I'm pushed. "The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones" He was my graduate assistant. "It is believed that" I think. "It is generally believed that" couple of other guys think so ,too. "It is clear that much additional work will be required before completely understanding occurs" I don't understand it. "Correct within an order of magnitude" It was wrong! "It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigations in this field" This is a lousy paper, but so are all the others on this "Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to George Frink for valuable assistance" Joe Blotz did the work and Frink explained to me what it meant. "A careful analysis of obtainable data" Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer. [] @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today." HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear." HIM "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news." HER "Well, the air bag works....." @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it's biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails. "Great Idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box." @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it. Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines. Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better. Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls. Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed. Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?" @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Excuse me, sir. I'd like a bottle of beer." The bartender serves the drink to the guy and says, "That will be four dollars." The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender. "Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that." The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks. Pointing to a neon sign behind the bar, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar." @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A mother walks on the beach with her daughter. Suddenly the litle girl sees a man with small and tight swimming trousers. "Mom, what's sitting in his swimming trousers ??", the girl asks. "That's just his . . . uh, . . . wallet, dear.", answers the mother -- taken by surprise. "Oh, well he's getting richer looking at you!" @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ [[More bumper stickers]] I childproofed my house, but they still get in. I can resist anything but temptation. In God we trust. All others pay cash. If you can read this, I can slam my break and sue you. Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from you car. I am not a snob - I'am just better than you are. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Seven months pregnant, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity. "Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve." The man in front of me piped up... "You'd better get used to it now. Once those young ones get on your nerves, they can stay there till they're 18." @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I met this guy the other day and I noticed he was wearing a huge watch with all sorts of little dials on it. "Wow," I said. "That's one hell of a watch." "Thanks, it's a divers watch," he informed. "It's waterproof to up to 500 meters, it won't corrode, never needs batteries or winding...it's the best divers watch money can buy." "Huh," I said. "You dive?" "No," he said as a fearful look came over his face. "I hate the water. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes him- self a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some minced pork and scallions. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke." @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itas which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!" @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A man picks up his golf-indifferent girlfriend after he has come from the links. While he's driving the tees in his pocket fall out. His girlfriend asks, "Harry, what are those things that just fell out of your pockets?" "Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them when I'm driving." "Oh, well. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer." @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ (((Valentine's Day Men and Women Quotes))) Even if the sun refused to shine Even if romance ran out of rhyme You would still have my heart until the end of time You're all I need, my love, my Valentine -- Martina McBride, "Valentine" bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb "Sales Ad at a Store: 'You are my one and only' valentine cards, now on sale: 4 for $5." -- Unknown bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb "The main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics and women are idiots." -- Rebecca West bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb "No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing." -- Seymour Hicks bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb "I married a younger man. Five years younger than I am. I figure it like this: If you can't find a good man, raise one." --Unknown bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb "Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand." -- Benny Hill bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb "I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?" -- Jay Leno bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb "The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less." -- Brendan Francis. bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb "A group of people here in California are fighting for the right for women to be able to sunbathe topless in California. The name of this group... guys." --Jay Leno bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." -- Woody Allen bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb "The longest sentence you can form with two words is: I do." -- HL Mencken bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb "When a woman becomes a scholar there is usually something wrong with her sexual organs." -- Friedrich Nietzsche bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb "My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself." -- Emo Philips. bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb "The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead." -- Ann Landers bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb "If music be the food of love, play on." -- Shakespeare bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb "If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." -- Aristotle Onassis bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb "Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are good looking." -- Unknown bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb "At the touch of Love every one becomes a poet." -- Plato bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb "Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that." -- Michael Leunig bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb bbbbb "A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's - That's because she changes it more often." -- Oliver Hereford